Those of you who know me know that I love to bake. Well I found a new recipe for an apple tart and I REALLY wanted to make it! There was one ingredient that I didn't have yet, though; brandy. Now, I will cook with cooking wines sometimes, such as marsala, white, red, etc, but brandy is a hard liquor, and I hadn't realized until now, that the stores in NY don't carry anything besides cooking wines and beer. After figuring this out I realized I was going to have to bite the bullet and do something I'd never done before; enter a liquor store.
I tried going one evening, but realized they close pretty early. Dang it. I really want this tart! So the next day I get in the car with my girls and head over to the shopping center where the local liquor store is located. I felt SO out of place! In I walk with a babe in arms and a toddler holding my hand. The two customers look up with amusement on their faces. The man at the register looks at me with question. "I need some brandy to flambé some apples for a tart", I tell him. I'm pretty sure I hear the two other customers chuckle under their breath. I'd hoped to ask the cashier/owner if they carried items like orange liqueur, but once inside the store I had one thought: get in, get brandy, get out.
The employee asks me how much I need. I tell him the recipe calls for 1/4 cup, but that I'd like to be able to make it more than once. He suggests this TINY little flask of brandy. I opt for the larger one so I don't have to return to the liquor store ever again.
He hands me the flask. Annibelle says, "I want to hold it, mommy". I laugh and tell her that I don't think that's a good idea. The employee laughs and offers the girls a dum-dum sucker from his halloween candy bowl. This distracts them perfectly. I decide to pay with cash, as I don't want this purchase on my bank statement. Then the cashier hands me my flask of brandy in a brown paper bag. I feel like a homeless drunk just holding it. I decide to put it in my purse so I won't draw attention to myself. It's surprisingly heavy, but I feel better with it out of sight.
I finally get to make this amazing apple tart, and it really is delicious! It's very mild, as the recipe doesn't call for much sugar and very little spices. I may alter that a bit... A scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side completes this scrumptious dish! The recipe is soon to come on my food blog, goodbuysgreatbites.com
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Chronicles of Moving
I realize I haven't written a post here in a very long time. Life has been CRAZY.
We found out that our landlord hadn't paid the mortgage since 2010, just after we'd move in, and that the house we'd been renting was now in foreclosure. Since our lease was ending, we decided to go ahead and move out. Since it had been unplanned and we'd given ourselves very little notice, finding a new house to lease was quite a challenge, as was/is moving out on time. Because of the sudden decision to move out, our landlord became quite angry with us and is threatening to keep our $6000 deposit. She tried to scare us with a few emails and such, but I've been in a similar situation before, and so I stayed up quite late for many nights researching the laws/right involved with renting in this state. As I'd guessed, the law is on OUR side. After one more annoying email from the crazy landlord, I wrote back and gave her a piece of my mind, not to mention a few legal threats of our own. Not surprisingly, she backed down. (Though I'm sure she's still planning on keeping our money, which means I"m going to have to sue her).
The house hunting was nothing short of discouraging. Many houses we looked at were shockingly gross and disgusting. The ones we liked that seemed perfect were either rented to someone else, or denied us because of poor credit. I had many sleepless nights because of this, and cried quite a few desperate tears. We have to be out by October 15th, and still had no place to move to. Finally our realtor calls us and says we have a 'call back'. The owners of 47 Widmer Road want to meet us. This is good news. This isn't my favorite house we've looked at, but we're desperate. I remind Peter that this house has no A/C, was built in the 1800's and may have a lot of issues. It has oil heating, which we know nothing about, and the basement smells moldy. Other than that I don't recall much about the house, as we've seen so many since looking at this one.
The evening arrives and we all go to meet the owners of this house. They're Chinese. They live next door. I worry that having them right there to see all that we do might be stressful. If they're anything like the previous landlord there is NO way this could work. We meet them. They're lovely. Danny Lam doesn't speak a lot of English, but he gets by alright. He's a hard worker. He built their house next door and the play set in the yard. SoYing works for IBM. She doesn't cook at all, unless there's a party, and then she makes jello. (hahahaha!) Danny speaks to his wife in Chinese and has her warn us that the wood stove gets hot and to not use it so the girls will be safe. He tells us that he will mow the lawn and, as long as he's in town, will plow the snow for us. (It just keeps getting better!) All of their concerns are for us, not their house. These are good signs! We talk and agree to rent the house and meet back in 2 days to sign the papers and pay the first months rent and deposit. (Those were two very long days!) Finally, on October 3rd, we make it legal, and for the next two years, this house is ours. =)
We immediately load up the rented Uhaul van and take a load of stuff over to our new house. We do this each evening the entire week. The house had been vacant for 2 years so there was a LOT of cleaning to do! We were out past 1am every night. The poor girls are exhausted! So are we.
Friday night we rent a 26 foot Uhaul truck and a few guys from church help load it and unload it at the new house while I pack and take care of the girls. The next day the actual movers come. They were terrible. Lazy. Slow. Incompetent. They broke two of our couches, the vanity my father gave me, and countless other items. They held some of our items hostage on the truck in an attempt to get more money out of us, so I started moving stuff myself. One of the 3 guys sat on the truck all day and did nothing to help us move. All items were just thrown into the main level of the house. The couches weren't put together and were tipped over and one was left on end! Boxes weren't in the designated rooms. You could hardly walk through the house. I cried. Today was also Annibelle's birthday. She was now 3 and the entire day had been nothing but a nightmare. We decided to dry our eyes and celebrate anyway and took our little ones to Chuckey-Cheese. We ate pizza, ordered a cake with candles and played silly arcade games until they closed. It was nice. We decided to spend the night at the old house on the recliners that were left there. Not a great night of sleeping, but we survived.
Over a week later we are still moving out/in! We're almost done. Tonight the young men and their parents are coming over to help move the rest of the stuff to the new house. I admit I'm a little stressed out thinking of immature boys running around my houses and handling my stuff. Hopefully this evening will go smoothly.
We've been blessed to have some friends from church help us in the attempt to make some sense of all this mess. If not for them we would not be able to see past or walk around the boxes.
Yesterday was a beautiful day and I just couldn't handle being inside with all the boxes any more, so after laying Callie down for a nap, Annie and I went outside to clean up the front flower beds. There was a lot of old dead debris from the plants which I pulled out with a rake. Annibelle put on her Dora gloves and helped me put all the mess into piles. We ended up with 5 big piles of weeds and such. Now what? I didn't want to handle the messes because of the possibility of spiders! Yuck!!!! I decided to leave the piles there for Peter to help me with when he got home from work. HOWEVER.... when he returned home from work the piles were no longer there and had been cleaned up! By who, you ask? By Danny! Our landlord and neighbor. He had cleaned up my gardening mess for me after mowing the lawn. I felt like my dad was here with me, as this was always how we did things. I'd prune and make the mess, and he'd clean it up.
I feel so blessed to have such great neighbors/landlords/friends. I've missed my father more than I can express, and though he's still gone, I sort of feel like he's here helping me out right now.
We now live on 3.5 acres with plenty of trees for the cats to climb and play in. We have a big open yard and a swing set for the girls to play on. We have privacy without seclusion, just as we'd wanted. We don't have an HOA telling us what we can and can't do. WE have landlords who don't care a bit that we have cats, which is wonderful, because that means they won't care if I end up getting another pet at some point. =) And, we're paying $500 less/month on rent, no longer have a water bill (we're on a well now), we don't have to pay for lawn mowing or snow plowing, the electric bill is lower since we don't have a/c, and the heat is oil! I feel truly blessed. Someone must be looking out for me.
Now you all just have to come visit us and see for yourselves this cool, old house we live in! It has a lot of character! I didn't think I"l like living in an old house but I do. I even think it's funny that the floors are so unleveled that the bed rolls across the floor! There are closets inside of closets in this house. The girls have such fun hiding in the closets and cabinets; it's so funny to watch them play. We also have a huge front porch, which will soon be sporting a porch swing!
There's still a LOT to do before this house can be called a home, (I still haven't found our drinking glasses!), but I'm excited to live her and make this place our own.
We found out that our landlord hadn't paid the mortgage since 2010, just after we'd move in, and that the house we'd been renting was now in foreclosure. Since our lease was ending, we decided to go ahead and move out. Since it had been unplanned and we'd given ourselves very little notice, finding a new house to lease was quite a challenge, as was/is moving out on time. Because of the sudden decision to move out, our landlord became quite angry with us and is threatening to keep our $6000 deposit. She tried to scare us with a few emails and such, but I've been in a similar situation before, and so I stayed up quite late for many nights researching the laws/right involved with renting in this state. As I'd guessed, the law is on OUR side. After one more annoying email from the crazy landlord, I wrote back and gave her a piece of my mind, not to mention a few legal threats of our own. Not surprisingly, she backed down. (Though I'm sure she's still planning on keeping our money, which means I"m going to have to sue her).
The house hunting was nothing short of discouraging. Many houses we looked at were shockingly gross and disgusting. The ones we liked that seemed perfect were either rented to someone else, or denied us because of poor credit. I had many sleepless nights because of this, and cried quite a few desperate tears. We have to be out by October 15th, and still had no place to move to. Finally our realtor calls us and says we have a 'call back'. The owners of 47 Widmer Road want to meet us. This is good news. This isn't my favorite house we've looked at, but we're desperate. I remind Peter that this house has no A/C, was built in the 1800's and may have a lot of issues. It has oil heating, which we know nothing about, and the basement smells moldy. Other than that I don't recall much about the house, as we've seen so many since looking at this one.
The evening arrives and we all go to meet the owners of this house. They're Chinese. They live next door. I worry that having them right there to see all that we do might be stressful. If they're anything like the previous landlord there is NO way this could work. We meet them. They're lovely. Danny Lam doesn't speak a lot of English, but he gets by alright. He's a hard worker. He built their house next door and the play set in the yard. SoYing works for IBM. She doesn't cook at all, unless there's a party, and then she makes jello. (hahahaha!) Danny speaks to his wife in Chinese and has her warn us that the wood stove gets hot and to not use it so the girls will be safe. He tells us that he will mow the lawn and, as long as he's in town, will plow the snow for us. (It just keeps getting better!) All of their concerns are for us, not their house. These are good signs! We talk and agree to rent the house and meet back in 2 days to sign the papers and pay the first months rent and deposit. (Those were two very long days!) Finally, on October 3rd, we make it legal, and for the next two years, this house is ours. =)
We immediately load up the rented Uhaul van and take a load of stuff over to our new house. We do this each evening the entire week. The house had been vacant for 2 years so there was a LOT of cleaning to do! We were out past 1am every night. The poor girls are exhausted! So are we.
Friday night we rent a 26 foot Uhaul truck and a few guys from church help load it and unload it at the new house while I pack and take care of the girls. The next day the actual movers come. They were terrible. Lazy. Slow. Incompetent. They broke two of our couches, the vanity my father gave me, and countless other items. They held some of our items hostage on the truck in an attempt to get more money out of us, so I started moving stuff myself. One of the 3 guys sat on the truck all day and did nothing to help us move. All items were just thrown into the main level of the house. The couches weren't put together and were tipped over and one was left on end! Boxes weren't in the designated rooms. You could hardly walk through the house. I cried. Today was also Annibelle's birthday. She was now 3 and the entire day had been nothing but a nightmare. We decided to dry our eyes and celebrate anyway and took our little ones to Chuckey-Cheese. We ate pizza, ordered a cake with candles and played silly arcade games until they closed. It was nice. We decided to spend the night at the old house on the recliners that were left there. Not a great night of sleeping, but we survived.
Over a week later we are still moving out/in! We're almost done. Tonight the young men and their parents are coming over to help move the rest of the stuff to the new house. I admit I'm a little stressed out thinking of immature boys running around my houses and handling my stuff. Hopefully this evening will go smoothly.
We've been blessed to have some friends from church help us in the attempt to make some sense of all this mess. If not for them we would not be able to see past or walk around the boxes.
Yesterday was a beautiful day and I just couldn't handle being inside with all the boxes any more, so after laying Callie down for a nap, Annie and I went outside to clean up the front flower beds. There was a lot of old dead debris from the plants which I pulled out with a rake. Annibelle put on her Dora gloves and helped me put all the mess into piles. We ended up with 5 big piles of weeds and such. Now what? I didn't want to handle the messes because of the possibility of spiders! Yuck!!!! I decided to leave the piles there for Peter to help me with when he got home from work. HOWEVER.... when he returned home from work the piles were no longer there and had been cleaned up! By who, you ask? By Danny! Our landlord and neighbor. He had cleaned up my gardening mess for me after mowing the lawn. I felt like my dad was here with me, as this was always how we did things. I'd prune and make the mess, and he'd clean it up.
I feel so blessed to have such great neighbors/landlords/friends. I've missed my father more than I can express, and though he's still gone, I sort of feel like he's here helping me out right now.
We now live on 3.5 acres with plenty of trees for the cats to climb and play in. We have a big open yard and a swing set for the girls to play on. We have privacy without seclusion, just as we'd wanted. We don't have an HOA telling us what we can and can't do. WE have landlords who don't care a bit that we have cats, which is wonderful, because that means they won't care if I end up getting another pet at some point. =) And, we're paying $500 less/month on rent, no longer have a water bill (we're on a well now), we don't have to pay for lawn mowing or snow plowing, the electric bill is lower since we don't have a/c, and the heat is oil! I feel truly blessed. Someone must be looking out for me.
Now you all just have to come visit us and see for yourselves this cool, old house we live in! It has a lot of character! I didn't think I"l like living in an old house but I do. I even think it's funny that the floors are so unleveled that the bed rolls across the floor! There are closets inside of closets in this house. The girls have such fun hiding in the closets and cabinets; it's so funny to watch them play. We also have a huge front porch, which will soon be sporting a porch swing!
There's still a LOT to do before this house can be called a home, (I still haven't found our drinking glasses!), but I'm excited to live her and make this place our own.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Child Again
Do you ever wish you could have just 5 minutes where you didn't have to be the mom, cook, housekeeper, nurse, maid, landscaper, chauffeur, lunch lady, psychologist, mechanic, jungle gym, spouse....? Sometimes I wish I had a few moments just to be me. And in those moments, I often wish I could just be a child again. Just for a few minutes. I'd like to be wrapped up safe in my father's arms, and just be held. I miss that feeling of security. (Husbands don't really ever feel this way because they have us taking care of their every need... Seems a bit backwards if you ask me).
Since starting my own business, (slow going, but getting up in the saddle!) I finally feel like I have an individual identity again, and I LOVE IT!!! Sure, I get tired of measuring and cutting tulle and ribbon sometimes, but when that happens I just focus on what matters most, and that's my two little girls! They always provided me with the necessary relieve from a hard day of work, and know how to make me laugh. I've never known two more hilarious kids in my life! If you haven't had a chance to be around them recently, you're really missing out. They're both growing like weeds!
Callie turned 1 year old last week, and what a cutie! She's loved destroying her birthday cake, and Annibelle felt a sisterly need to help her out in that endeavor. =) Callie is now 1 going on 5. She is so bright and advanced! We call her our little mountain goat because she tries to climb everything, and is fearless! (Not always a great quality in a baby). She has NO idea she is just a baby.
Annibelle will soon be turning 3 years old! She has grown up SO much since her baby sister was born a year ago, and even more since we moved here to NY. In the past few months she has really had a growth spurt and went from wearing 2T to barely squeezing into her 3T clothes! She still has her adorable baby chubs too. (I'm praying that's not due to her heart...) She loves to play with her little sister and sing and dance. She says the funniest things! I can hardly wait until our trip to Hershey so some of you will get to see my cuties!
I've stayed very busy this summer with my business, www.TangerineTutus.etsy.com. (AdornableFlowers.etsy.com still exists, but I"m working on combining it with the afore mentioned shop). I also have a public blog, www.goodbuysgreatbites.com. I'm not great at updating it, but I'm trying! I'm trying to do better about posting pictures too. My computer is about to die, any day now, and has been giving me a lot of trouble. Once we get a new one I hope to really get things cleaned up with that yummy blog of mine!
I also flew out west with Callie last week for my brother's wedding. (The last of us kids to marry!) It was BEAUTIFUL!!! Callie actually fell asleep just as I was going in for the sealing so I was able to attend the whole ceremony. I hadn't been able to go to the Temple in over 3 years, and being in there at Twin Falls, ID was so special. I'd missed feeling the Spirit so strong. I hadn't realized how accustom I'd become to the tension here in my home/family, and realized that I have to do something to clear it up so that my children grow up familiar with the presence of 'The Comforter' in their daily lives.
Well, I suppose I should get up and get a few things done while the others are all napping. (This is a rare phenomenon). Just so you know, I have a special discount code for all of my family to use at TangerineTutus.com. If you're interested, here it is! GOOD2BFAMILY20OFF Let me know what you think of my new woven headbands!
Since starting my own business, (slow going, but getting up in the saddle!) I finally feel like I have an individual identity again, and I LOVE IT!!! Sure, I get tired of measuring and cutting tulle and ribbon sometimes, but when that happens I just focus on what matters most, and that's my two little girls! They always provided me with the necessary relieve from a hard day of work, and know how to make me laugh. I've never known two more hilarious kids in my life! If you haven't had a chance to be around them recently, you're really missing out. They're both growing like weeds!
Callie turned 1 year old last week, and what a cutie! She's loved destroying her birthday cake, and Annibelle felt a sisterly need to help her out in that endeavor. =) Callie is now 1 going on 5. She is so bright and advanced! We call her our little mountain goat because she tries to climb everything, and is fearless! (Not always a great quality in a baby). She has NO idea she is just a baby.
Annibelle will soon be turning 3 years old! She has grown up SO much since her baby sister was born a year ago, and even more since we moved here to NY. In the past few months she has really had a growth spurt and went from wearing 2T to barely squeezing into her 3T clothes! She still has her adorable baby chubs too. (I'm praying that's not due to her heart...) She loves to play with her little sister and sing and dance. She says the funniest things! I can hardly wait until our trip to Hershey so some of you will get to see my cuties!
I've stayed very busy this summer with my business, www.TangerineTutus.etsy.com. (AdornableFlowers.etsy.com still exists, but I"m working on combining it with the afore mentioned shop). I also have a public blog, www.goodbuysgreatbites.com. I'm not great at updating it, but I'm trying! I'm trying to do better about posting pictures too. My computer is about to die, any day now, and has been giving me a lot of trouble. Once we get a new one I hope to really get things cleaned up with that yummy blog of mine!
I also flew out west with Callie last week for my brother's wedding. (The last of us kids to marry!) It was BEAUTIFUL!!! Callie actually fell asleep just as I was going in for the sealing so I was able to attend the whole ceremony. I hadn't been able to go to the Temple in over 3 years, and being in there at Twin Falls, ID was so special. I'd missed feeling the Spirit so strong. I hadn't realized how accustom I'd become to the tension here in my home/family, and realized that I have to do something to clear it up so that my children grow up familiar with the presence of 'The Comforter' in their daily lives.
Well, I suppose I should get up and get a few things done while the others are all napping. (This is a rare phenomenon). Just so you know, I have a special discount code for all of my family to use at TangerineTutus.com. If you're interested, here it is! GOOD2BFAMILY20OFF Let me know what you think of my new woven headbands!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
It's official
Today at church I was informed that Peter's name has officially be removed from the church and that I am now considered the 'head of the household', as far as church matters are concerned. I already knew that his name would be officially removed by the beginning of the month because I was there when he turned in his letter/request to have his name removed, and there when he/we read the letter from the first presidency saying it would become official in 30 days.
At this point I don't have any real strong feelings about all this... It's been a process. I worry about him not having the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide him and direct him all the time and worry about him being misguided off the path even more quickly now. I miss having the Priesthood in my home, but when I really felt the impact of it leaving was when Peter took off his garments for the last time, showered, then put on an undershirt and boxer-briefs. I may have shed a few tears.
My mom's been through something similar, many years ago when her first marriage failed due to her husband cheating on her and leaving the church. She's warned me all along that once their name is removed they really change... for the worst. I'm trying to be optimistic, but maybe that's just my Zoloft doing it's job. (tee hee). Or maybe it's just that I made my little tutu and hair clip businesses legal last week and I feel happy about that... or just happy that I have something that makes me feel happy and inspired. (Seriously, i LOVE it!) Whatever it is, all I can do is do my best and pray for all the help, guidance and peace possible, because we're going to need it.
I know this news is going to really be painful for those nearest and dearest to digest, but just be grateful that you're not in my shoes. As Peter's parents, you did your part to teach him right from wrong. As siblings you can pray for him and love him and let him know that he is still loved. Who knows where things will go from here? I just hope that no matter what we all remain family and friends. We'll get through all this somehow.
At this point I don't have any real strong feelings about all this... It's been a process. I worry about him not having the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide him and direct him all the time and worry about him being misguided off the path even more quickly now. I miss having the Priesthood in my home, but when I really felt the impact of it leaving was when Peter took off his garments for the last time, showered, then put on an undershirt and boxer-briefs. I may have shed a few tears.
My mom's been through something similar, many years ago when her first marriage failed due to her husband cheating on her and leaving the church. She's warned me all along that once their name is removed they really change... for the worst. I'm trying to be optimistic, but maybe that's just my Zoloft doing it's job. (tee hee). Or maybe it's just that I made my little tutu and hair clip businesses legal last week and I feel happy about that... or just happy that I have something that makes me feel happy and inspired. (Seriously, i LOVE it!) Whatever it is, all I can do is do my best and pray for all the help, guidance and peace possible, because we're going to need it.
I know this news is going to really be painful for those nearest and dearest to digest, but just be grateful that you're not in my shoes. As Peter's parents, you did your part to teach him right from wrong. As siblings you can pray for him and love him and let him know that he is still loved. Who knows where things will go from here? I just hope that no matter what we all remain family and friends. We'll get through all this somehow.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Nephi's Enemies
I was reading 2nd Nephi chapter 4 the other day; it's one of my favorites! I always enjoyed reading Nephi's plea to God, but this time around I got a LOT more out of it.
Nephi prays for his 'enemies' (aka, his BROTHERS!) He prays that he won't be angry at them and for God to 'hedge up their way' rather than his. In the following chapter he prays for them to not be angry at him, but instead they became MORE angry! (Talk about an unanswered prayer!) But then the Lord prepares a way for him to take the righteous of his family and escape from the 'enemies'. (It's my belief that this happened as a sign to Nephi that it wasn't going to improve and to help him accept the need to move on w/out his siblings).
As I read this I couldn't help but thing of my own family. A few of you may know that I've had trouble with just about all of them at one point or another, the worst of it happening about a year and a half ago when a certain brother-in-law, (and the support of a few other family members), drove me to the brink of suicide. (No, I'm not crazy, it was just THAT bad of a situation). I was lucky enough that Peter was still willing, and worthy, to give me a blessing. He offered and I accepted and I am VERY grateful; it was a terrifying situation and time. (That happened to be the last priesthood blessing he ever gave). It was enough to pull me out of the hole I was in JUST ENOUGH to save me from death.
A lot of tears have been shed and prayers have been offered because of my family. I've been the recipient of a lot of verbal and emotional abuse 'within the home', and that is the hardest of all because those are the people you are supposed to be able to trust no matter what.
It's taken me a REALLY long time to understand fully that forgiving someone and letting them continue to abuse you are not the same thing. My mother doesn't seem to get it as she keeps telling me "We all just need to love and forgive each other", as if I'm the only one who isn't. Which is ironic, really, since I'm probably the ONLY one who actually has/does.
Not quite a year after that life changing incident Peter was offered a job in NYC and I said, "Let's GO!!!!!!" (And I haven't looked back!) I knew that if there would ever be a time where I'd feel like I could leave Indiana and my family there it would be while my mom was on her mission. (So I wouldn't feel like I had to stay and take care of her).
I'm really grateful that the Lord prepared a way for me to escape from my 'enemies', and from the hurt and abuse they were throwing at me. From here in NY it doesn't hurt my feelings that they don't invite me to family dinners or birthday parties and such things. I couldn't care less! It's wonderful! (Plust I've made some good friends here, something I didn't really have back in Indy).
I've put a lot of thought into if I'd ever go back... if Peter and I ever split or something. At first I thought, "Of course I'd run back to my mother!", but than as I thought about it more, I realized I'd be better off here trying to make it on my own than to be there trying to make it almost on my own with a lot of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. I don't need that and my beautiful daughters will NEVER, EVER be allowed to be treated that way by my family. (Please note that I do have a couple siblings who are alright, and I am so VERY grateful for them).
Anyway, long story a little shorter, my eyes were opened a bit as I read these chapters and I realized that I have been blessed in getting to move away from a lot of the drama and pain. It also helped me to feel better about following what I feel I must do in my life, (despite my mothers belief that we can all live together w/out grief), and to really lean on the Lord in guiding me in this most difficult situation.
I'm really, truly grateful and blessed to have the gospel in my life. I'm grateful for the scriptures, and to have the Spirit to guide and teach me.
Nephi prays for his 'enemies' (aka, his BROTHERS!) He prays that he won't be angry at them and for God to 'hedge up their way' rather than his. In the following chapter he prays for them to not be angry at him, but instead they became MORE angry! (Talk about an unanswered prayer!) But then the Lord prepares a way for him to take the righteous of his family and escape from the 'enemies'. (It's my belief that this happened as a sign to Nephi that it wasn't going to improve and to help him accept the need to move on w/out his siblings).
As I read this I couldn't help but thing of my own family. A few of you may know that I've had trouble with just about all of them at one point or another, the worst of it happening about a year and a half ago when a certain brother-in-law, (and the support of a few other family members), drove me to the brink of suicide. (No, I'm not crazy, it was just THAT bad of a situation). I was lucky enough that Peter was still willing, and worthy, to give me a blessing. He offered and I accepted and I am VERY grateful; it was a terrifying situation and time. (That happened to be the last priesthood blessing he ever gave). It was enough to pull me out of the hole I was in JUST ENOUGH to save me from death.
A lot of tears have been shed and prayers have been offered because of my family. I've been the recipient of a lot of verbal and emotional abuse 'within the home', and that is the hardest of all because those are the people you are supposed to be able to trust no matter what.
It's taken me a REALLY long time to understand fully that forgiving someone and letting them continue to abuse you are not the same thing. My mother doesn't seem to get it as she keeps telling me "We all just need to love and forgive each other", as if I'm the only one who isn't. Which is ironic, really, since I'm probably the ONLY one who actually has/does.
Not quite a year after that life changing incident Peter was offered a job in NYC and I said, "Let's GO!!!!!!" (And I haven't looked back!) I knew that if there would ever be a time where I'd feel like I could leave Indiana and my family there it would be while my mom was on her mission. (So I wouldn't feel like I had to stay and take care of her).
I'm really grateful that the Lord prepared a way for me to escape from my 'enemies', and from the hurt and abuse they were throwing at me. From here in NY it doesn't hurt my feelings that they don't invite me to family dinners or birthday parties and such things. I couldn't care less! It's wonderful! (Plust I've made some good friends here, something I didn't really have back in Indy).
I've put a lot of thought into if I'd ever go back... if Peter and I ever split or something. At first I thought, "Of course I'd run back to my mother!", but than as I thought about it more, I realized I'd be better off here trying to make it on my own than to be there trying to make it almost on my own with a lot of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. I don't need that and my beautiful daughters will NEVER, EVER be allowed to be treated that way by my family. (Please note that I do have a couple siblings who are alright, and I am so VERY grateful for them).
Anyway, long story a little shorter, my eyes were opened a bit as I read these chapters and I realized that I have been blessed in getting to move away from a lot of the drama and pain. It also helped me to feel better about following what I feel I must do in my life, (despite my mothers belief that we can all live together w/out grief), and to really lean on the Lord in guiding me in this most difficult situation.
I'm really, truly grateful and blessed to have the gospel in my life. I'm grateful for the scriptures, and to have the Spirit to guide and teach me.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sacrifice
In relief society today we were talking about sacrifice. The woman teaching, along with a few others, mentioned how they often feel bad for, 'not wanting to go to church, do a calling, pick up people for church, etc.', and how doing the right thing is often so hard for them. They were beating themselves up for feeling a certain way.
A sister near me started talking about the sacrifice the Savior made for us and a thought came to me, which I actually shared! I said that the Savior was without sin and that even when he was in 'the garden' He asked God to remove the weight from him if there was any other way to atone for us. He himself didn't want to go through with it, but did anyway, for us.
Like the Savior, we are not sinning by not wanting to get up and go to church, serve in our callings, etc. It's only when we choose to act upon those feeling that we have need to repent. The feelings themselves are not the sin, so we needn't be so hard on ourselves.
Personally, I thought this was pretty insightful, the woman teaching, however, just stared at me blankly in silence. (I imagined a cricket in the room... "chirp, chirp...." After a few very long, uncomfortable moments, she moved on as if I'd said nothing. Strange.
"It makes sense, doesn't it?", I asked the girl beside me. She assured me it made perfect sense.
I just figure, that as women, we beat ourselves up A LOT. Well, isn't it nice to know here's one less reason to do so? I sure think so!
A sister near me started talking about the sacrifice the Savior made for us and a thought came to me, which I actually shared! I said that the Savior was without sin and that even when he was in 'the garden' He asked God to remove the weight from him if there was any other way to atone for us. He himself didn't want to go through with it, but did anyway, for us.
Like the Savior, we are not sinning by not wanting to get up and go to church, serve in our callings, etc. It's only when we choose to act upon those feeling that we have need to repent. The feelings themselves are not the sin, so we needn't be so hard on ourselves.
Personally, I thought this was pretty insightful, the woman teaching, however, just stared at me blankly in silence. (I imagined a cricket in the room... "chirp, chirp...." After a few very long, uncomfortable moments, she moved on as if I'd said nothing. Strange.
"It makes sense, doesn't it?", I asked the girl beside me. She assured me it made perfect sense.
I just figure, that as women, we beat ourselves up A LOT. Well, isn't it nice to know here's one less reason to do so? I sure think so!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
New Hobbies
Today was a MUCH better day. Probably because it started with scripture study. I've been terrible about reading my scriptures for quite a while, especially since Callie was born.
I got a call from my brother a few days ago and he filled in as my dad/patriarch and listened to my woes while giving me some good fatherly/brotherly advice. His suggestion to read my scriptures on LDS.org was a terrific idea! I'm on this computer a lot and it's so easy to read a bit and study any topic I like with the click of a button, sans turning pages and getting paper cuts! It really is wonderful, and since I begin most days by sitting down at this lovely machine, LDS.org is literally an answer to my prayers. (As is my brother and his loving advice).
So today was 60 degrees and sunny! Once I got the girls fed and dressed and worked on a couple projects around the house, I packed up Callie in the SleepyWrap, and Annibelle in the stroller and off we went on a walk around the neighborhood! We ended up at the clubhouse and spent the next 45 minutes or so swinging gently on a porch swing until I met a new neighbor and both the girls fell asleep on the swing! (Super cute!!) After that I packed them back up and headed home for lunch and naps. I didn't get one, but I didn't mind since I was working on a new project.
Speaking of new projects... I am FINALLY coming up with hobbies as a mother, ones that I hope will make me some money. The first one is making flower clips for hair or clothes. It's hard to find good, quality ones and I'm hoping to get a lot made and sold. My newest craft I hope to make a little dough off of is making tutus; simple and elaborate. If I can handle the sewing, I might even try making diaper covers aka, bloomers. I LOVE having something to do for ME, and something that I enjoy so much.
I'm pretty sure I'll be on my own one of these days and will need a way to keep myself afloat; hopefully these 'hobbies' will assist me in that. Until then, I'm just stocking up and enjoying having something to keep me busy and happy. (besides my girls). =)
I got a call from my brother a few days ago and he filled in as my dad/patriarch and listened to my woes while giving me some good fatherly/brotherly advice. His suggestion to read my scriptures on LDS.org was a terrific idea! I'm on this computer a lot and it's so easy to read a bit and study any topic I like with the click of a button, sans turning pages and getting paper cuts! It really is wonderful, and since I begin most days by sitting down at this lovely machine, LDS.org is literally an answer to my prayers. (As is my brother and his loving advice).
So today was 60 degrees and sunny! Once I got the girls fed and dressed and worked on a couple projects around the house, I packed up Callie in the SleepyWrap, and Annibelle in the stroller and off we went on a walk around the neighborhood! We ended up at the clubhouse and spent the next 45 minutes or so swinging gently on a porch swing until I met a new neighbor and both the girls fell asleep on the swing! (Super cute!!) After that I packed them back up and headed home for lunch and naps. I didn't get one, but I didn't mind since I was working on a new project.
Speaking of new projects... I am FINALLY coming up with hobbies as a mother, ones that I hope will make me some money. The first one is making flower clips for hair or clothes. It's hard to find good, quality ones and I'm hoping to get a lot made and sold. My newest craft I hope to make a little dough off of is making tutus; simple and elaborate. If I can handle the sewing, I might even try making diaper covers aka, bloomers. I LOVE having something to do for ME, and something that I enjoy so much.
I'm pretty sure I'll be on my own one of these days and will need a way to keep myself afloat; hopefully these 'hobbies' will assist me in that. Until then, I'm just stocking up and enjoying having something to keep me busy and happy. (besides my girls). =)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sometimes I feel like God is against me. Like the world is against me. Like my kids are against me. (I already know that my husband is).
I'm having a rough day. I didn't start out reading my scriptures as I'd meant to, and it just got harder from there.
I wake up most mornings SUPER tired, but push through it so that I can try to be super mom and actually get the house picked up, the dishes washed, the kitchen clean and the laundry done and put away. I don't know about you, but i don't think I've ever accomplished that since becoming a mother of two. Between changing diapers for two, feeding/preparing food for two, and all the countless chores that await me, I rarely get a chance to eat before 3pm. I suppose that might be how I dropped that most recent 5 pounds so quickly. It might also be part of why I get so tired and moody when it comes time for the little ones to take a nap... and then refuse to sleep!
I was trying to put my exhausted baby down for a nap late this morning. She just wouldn't sleep even though I'd changed her diaper, fed her and was lying beside her as she sucked her pacifier. I was STARVING; to the point of my blood sugar dropping. I needed food. I had some delicious left overs waiting to be warmed up so I left her there in the bed, surrounded by body pillows, and ran downstairs to heat up the food, intending to run back up with it a minute later. Unfortunately, as I was dishing up the grub, I heard a loud THUD! I shouted and ran upstairs, worried that I wasn't hearing any crying. Callie had fallen from the bed, luckily, with a pillow. She didn't seem to be hurt, just really frightened. She was screaming, and it took quite a while to get her to stop crying. Hours, actually. Unless I held her. Of course, being a mother of two, I had another child to care for as well, and still needed to feed myself. I also decided to try moving the unused crib into our room in hopes of either using it as a sidecar or as an actual crib beside the bed. This required moving the two side tables, the twin bed, and the freakishly heavy king bed, taking apart the crib, finding clean sheets to put on it, and putting everything back together. It took longer than I'd hoped, and all the while Callie was wailing, and Annibelle seemed to keep tripping on things and crying off an on herself. I wanted to scream too. In fact, I might have a few times. (It's one of those days where I feel like I have to repent constantly!) Luckily, I have very forgiving daughters, and each time I turn to Annie with tears in my eyes and tell her I'm sorry for not being a better mommy, she touches my hand or face and says, "It' okay, mommy. You'll be fine. It's okay".
I feel so blessed to be entrusted with these little ones. At the same time I feel terrified that it's up to me, and, sort of, me alone, to raise them right and well. I usually feel like a failure. Being that i'm the only one worried about Annibelle understanding what it means to be reverent, she still doesn't seem to quite get it. Yes, she's not even two and a half yet, but she doesn't even stay quiet for the shortest prayer... I can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
It's really tough facing all of this and feeling like I'm doing it alone. The truth is, every day I'm faced with the fear that someday soon I really WILL be facing it all alone. By myself. Each day I look around me at everything we've accumulated and all the little things that make the house ours, and I wonder, "How much longer will it last? At what point will I have to say goodbye to this comfort and space and stand alone with my girls?"
People on the outside like to say,"I still think he might come around". He won't. Trust me. It's not an IF it will crumble, but WHEN. How much longer can we stand to live with each other and our different beliefs? You see, the problem isn't that my husband is atheist, but rather that he's anti-Christ. No different from Corihor. (Can you imagine being married to Corihor???) When he isn't talking about religious and scientific things I think, "Maybe we can make this work!" But then he'll tell me how he can't go to primary with me and the girls anymore because it's 'brainwashing'. And he's constantly posting anti-mormon literature on his online accounts. His mission in life isn't to be a good husband or father, but, rather, to announce to all the world that God isn't real! The scriptures are just stories! That he has all the answers and we should follow him!
At what point do we have to get out and get away from all this? Only God can tell me. And even though I know He's got my back, I still have to admit that I'm scared half to death knowing that at some point it's just going to be me and my girls... And that is something that weighs me down each and every day. How will I afford to raise and care for these little angels? And how on earth could i possibly find someone else worthy to be their step-father?
It just isn't fair.
I'm having a rough day. I didn't start out reading my scriptures as I'd meant to, and it just got harder from there.
I wake up most mornings SUPER tired, but push through it so that I can try to be super mom and actually get the house picked up, the dishes washed, the kitchen clean and the laundry done and put away. I don't know about you, but i don't think I've ever accomplished that since becoming a mother of two. Between changing diapers for two, feeding/preparing food for two, and all the countless chores that await me, I rarely get a chance to eat before 3pm. I suppose that might be how I dropped that most recent 5 pounds so quickly. It might also be part of why I get so tired and moody when it comes time for the little ones to take a nap... and then refuse to sleep!
I was trying to put my exhausted baby down for a nap late this morning. She just wouldn't sleep even though I'd changed her diaper, fed her and was lying beside her as she sucked her pacifier. I was STARVING; to the point of my blood sugar dropping. I needed food. I had some delicious left overs waiting to be warmed up so I left her there in the bed, surrounded by body pillows, and ran downstairs to heat up the food, intending to run back up with it a minute later. Unfortunately, as I was dishing up the grub, I heard a loud THUD! I shouted and ran upstairs, worried that I wasn't hearing any crying. Callie had fallen from the bed, luckily, with a pillow. She didn't seem to be hurt, just really frightened. She was screaming, and it took quite a while to get her to stop crying. Hours, actually. Unless I held her. Of course, being a mother of two, I had another child to care for as well, and still needed to feed myself. I also decided to try moving the unused crib into our room in hopes of either using it as a sidecar or as an actual crib beside the bed. This required moving the two side tables, the twin bed, and the freakishly heavy king bed, taking apart the crib, finding clean sheets to put on it, and putting everything back together. It took longer than I'd hoped, and all the while Callie was wailing, and Annibelle seemed to keep tripping on things and crying off an on herself. I wanted to scream too. In fact, I might have a few times. (It's one of those days where I feel like I have to repent constantly!) Luckily, I have very forgiving daughters, and each time I turn to Annie with tears in my eyes and tell her I'm sorry for not being a better mommy, she touches my hand or face and says, "It' okay, mommy. You'll be fine. It's okay".
I feel so blessed to be entrusted with these little ones. At the same time I feel terrified that it's up to me, and, sort of, me alone, to raise them right and well. I usually feel like a failure. Being that i'm the only one worried about Annibelle understanding what it means to be reverent, she still doesn't seem to quite get it. Yes, she's not even two and a half yet, but she doesn't even stay quiet for the shortest prayer... I can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
It's really tough facing all of this and feeling like I'm doing it alone. The truth is, every day I'm faced with the fear that someday soon I really WILL be facing it all alone. By myself. Each day I look around me at everything we've accumulated and all the little things that make the house ours, and I wonder, "How much longer will it last? At what point will I have to say goodbye to this comfort and space and stand alone with my girls?"
People on the outside like to say,"I still think he might come around". He won't. Trust me. It's not an IF it will crumble, but WHEN. How much longer can we stand to live with each other and our different beliefs? You see, the problem isn't that my husband is atheist, but rather that he's anti-Christ. No different from Corihor. (Can you imagine being married to Corihor???) When he isn't talking about religious and scientific things I think, "Maybe we can make this work!" But then he'll tell me how he can't go to primary with me and the girls anymore because it's 'brainwashing'. And he's constantly posting anti-mormon literature on his online accounts. His mission in life isn't to be a good husband or father, but, rather, to announce to all the world that God isn't real! The scriptures are just stories! That he has all the answers and we should follow him!
At what point do we have to get out and get away from all this? Only God can tell me. And even though I know He's got my back, I still have to admit that I'm scared half to death knowing that at some point it's just going to be me and my girls... And that is something that weighs me down each and every day. How will I afford to raise and care for these little angels? And how on earth could i possibly find someone else worthy to be their step-father?
It just isn't fair.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Rock and a Hard Place
Since making this blog private almost 18 months ago, I don't have to worry about the wrong eyes seeing it. Plus, since I took such a long break from writing here, pretty much no one reads these anyhow, so I have a free journal here to write in.
Today's topic: My broken heart.
Christmas and New years were wonderful. Christmas was spent at 'home' in NY, and the following weekend we drove 3 hours to Boston, MA to ring in the new year with my mother, who is on a church mission there. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half, so it was really a treat for me! Plus, she got to meet her newest grand-baby, Callie! (Who is intent on growing up way to fast!) Over all the trip was wonderful, until it came to the drive home, that is. Not only did we leave much too late last evening so that our girls were way too tired and they both pretty much screamed the entire way, (which involved multiple stops to try to calm them down, missing a few exits, turning around a few times, and raising everyone's blood pressure), but my so-called-husband attacked me and my beliefs the entire way as well. The 3 hours turned into 5, and the conversations ranged from the horrible God of the old Testament, to, "What if we get divorced/separated", all the while being told I belong to a cult and that my church isn't true, and how I'm a bad mom, etc, etc........ it went on forever. It was depressing. I did my best to contain the tears so i could see clearly to drive.
The prince charming I searched so long for is still MIA. The only difference from 4 years ago to now is that now I have two delicate daughters to care for and protect as well. My eternal marriage: out the window. My hope: dashed to pieces. My courage: lacking. My heart: broken.
Sure I could leave the guy and struggle to support my two little angels, but where would I go? I have no home. I don't want to take my children's daddy from them, but is it fair for me to suffer for their sake? And is it really in their best interest to remain in such a situation? I deserve to be loved.... but I doubt I ever will be. I know I'm difficult. From birth I've had to defend myself, and now, more than ever, I have my gloves up, ready to defend myself and my girls. I feel abandoned. Lost. Alone. Hopeless. If I'd known this was coming I don't think I would have brought these beautiful girls into the world. It just isn't fair. They deserve to have two parents who love each other.
Everyone likes to tell me, "Maybe some day he'll come around". Well, folks, I hate to break it to you, but that'll happen when hell freezes over. This man thinks he has it all figured out and he's intent on letting us know that.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's no easy way out of this one, short of cutting off my own arm, figuratively speaking. God help me and my girls. And God have mercy on Peter; he's going to need it.
Today's topic: My broken heart.
Christmas and New years were wonderful. Christmas was spent at 'home' in NY, and the following weekend we drove 3 hours to Boston, MA to ring in the new year with my mother, who is on a church mission there. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half, so it was really a treat for me! Plus, she got to meet her newest grand-baby, Callie! (Who is intent on growing up way to fast!) Over all the trip was wonderful, until it came to the drive home, that is. Not only did we leave much too late last evening so that our girls were way too tired and they both pretty much screamed the entire way, (which involved multiple stops to try to calm them down, missing a few exits, turning around a few times, and raising everyone's blood pressure), but my so-called-husband attacked me and my beliefs the entire way as well. The 3 hours turned into 5, and the conversations ranged from the horrible God of the old Testament, to, "What if we get divorced/separated", all the while being told I belong to a cult and that my church isn't true, and how I'm a bad mom, etc, etc........ it went on forever. It was depressing. I did my best to contain the tears so i could see clearly to drive.
The prince charming I searched so long for is still MIA. The only difference from 4 years ago to now is that now I have two delicate daughters to care for and protect as well. My eternal marriage: out the window. My hope: dashed to pieces. My courage: lacking. My heart: broken.
Sure I could leave the guy and struggle to support my two little angels, but where would I go? I have no home. I don't want to take my children's daddy from them, but is it fair for me to suffer for their sake? And is it really in their best interest to remain in such a situation? I deserve to be loved.... but I doubt I ever will be. I know I'm difficult. From birth I've had to defend myself, and now, more than ever, I have my gloves up, ready to defend myself and my girls. I feel abandoned. Lost. Alone. Hopeless. If I'd known this was coming I don't think I would have brought these beautiful girls into the world. It just isn't fair. They deserve to have two parents who love each other.
Everyone likes to tell me, "Maybe some day he'll come around". Well, folks, I hate to break it to you, but that'll happen when hell freezes over. This man thinks he has it all figured out and he's intent on letting us know that.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's no easy way out of this one, short of cutting off my own arm, figuratively speaking. God help me and my girls. And God have mercy on Peter; he's going to need it.