Sometimes I feel like God is against me. Like the world is against me. Like my kids are against me. (I already know that my husband is).
I'm having a rough day. I didn't start out reading my scriptures as I'd meant to, and it just got harder from there.
I wake up most mornings SUPER tired, but push through it so that I can try to be super mom and actually get the house picked up, the dishes washed, the kitchen clean and the laundry done and put away. I don't know about you, but i don't think I've ever accomplished that since becoming a mother of two. Between changing diapers for two, feeding/preparing food for two, and all the countless chores that await me, I rarely get a chance to eat before 3pm. I suppose that might be how I dropped that most recent 5 pounds so quickly. It might also be part of why I get so tired and moody when it comes time for the little ones to take a nap... and then refuse to sleep!
I was trying to put my exhausted baby down for a nap late this morning. She just wouldn't sleep even though I'd changed her diaper, fed her and was lying beside her as she sucked her pacifier. I was STARVING; to the point of my blood sugar dropping. I needed food. I had some delicious left overs waiting to be warmed up so I left her there in the bed, surrounded by body pillows, and ran downstairs to heat up the food, intending to run back up with it a minute later. Unfortunately, as I was dishing up the grub, I heard a loud THUD! I shouted and ran upstairs, worried that I wasn't hearing any crying. Callie had fallen from the bed, luckily, with a pillow. She didn't seem to be hurt, just really frightened. She was screaming, and it took quite a while to get her to stop crying. Hours, actually. Unless I held her. Of course, being a mother of two, I had another child to care for as well, and still needed to feed myself. I also decided to try moving the unused crib into our room in hopes of either using it as a sidecar or as an actual crib beside the bed. This required moving the two side tables, the twin bed, and the freakishly heavy king bed, taking apart the crib, finding clean sheets to put on it, and putting everything back together. It took longer than I'd hoped, and all the while Callie was wailing, and Annibelle seemed to keep tripping on things and crying off an on herself. I wanted to scream too. In fact, I might have a few times. (It's one of those days where I feel like I have to repent constantly!) Luckily, I have very forgiving daughters, and each time I turn to Annie with tears in my eyes and tell her I'm sorry for not being a better mommy, she touches my hand or face and says, "It' okay, mommy. You'll be fine. It's okay".
I feel so blessed to be entrusted with these little ones. At the same time I feel terrified that it's up to me, and, sort of, me alone, to raise them right and well. I usually feel like a failure. Being that i'm the only one worried about Annibelle understanding what it means to be reverent, she still doesn't seem to quite get it. Yes, she's not even two and a half yet, but she doesn't even stay quiet for the shortest prayer... I can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
It's really tough facing all of this and feeling like I'm doing it alone. The truth is, every day I'm faced with the fear that someday soon I really WILL be facing it all alone. By myself. Each day I look around me at everything we've accumulated and all the little things that make the house ours, and I wonder, "How much longer will it last? At what point will I have to say goodbye to this comfort and space and stand alone with my girls?"
People on the outside like to say,"I still think he might come around". He won't. Trust me. It's not an IF it will crumble, but WHEN. How much longer can we stand to live with each other and our different beliefs? You see, the problem isn't that my husband is atheist, but rather that he's anti-Christ. No different from Corihor. (Can you imagine being married to Corihor???) When he isn't talking about religious and scientific things I think, "Maybe we can make this work!" But then he'll tell me how he can't go to primary with me and the girls anymore because it's 'brainwashing'. And he's constantly posting anti-mormon literature on his online accounts. His mission in life isn't to be a good husband or father, but, rather, to announce to all the world that God isn't real! The scriptures are just stories! That he has all the answers and we should follow him!
At what point do we have to get out and get away from all this? Only God can tell me. And even though I know He's got my back, I still have to admit that I'm scared half to death knowing that at some point it's just going to be me and my girls... And that is something that weighs me down each and every day. How will I afford to raise and care for these little angels? And how on earth could i possibly find someone else worthy to be their step-father?
It just isn't fair.