Since making this blog private almost 18 months ago, I don't have to worry about the wrong eyes seeing it. Plus, since I took such a long break from writing here, pretty much no one reads these anyhow, so I have a free journal here to write in.
Today's topic: My broken heart.
Christmas and New years were wonderful. Christmas was spent at 'home' in NY, and the following weekend we drove 3 hours to Boston, MA to ring in the new year with my mother, who is on a church mission there. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half, so it was really a treat for me! Plus, she got to meet her newest grand-baby, Callie! (Who is intent on growing up way to fast!) Over all the trip was wonderful, until it came to the drive home, that is. Not only did we leave much too late last evening so that our girls were way too tired and they both pretty much screamed the entire way, (which involved multiple stops to try to calm them down, missing a few exits, turning around a few times, and raising everyone's blood pressure), but my so-called-husband attacked me and my beliefs the entire way as well. The 3 hours turned into 5, and the conversations ranged from the horrible God of the old Testament, to, "What if we get divorced/separated", all the while being told I belong to a cult and that my church isn't true, and how I'm a bad mom, etc, etc........ it went on forever. It was depressing. I did my best to contain the tears so i could see clearly to drive.
The prince charming I searched so long for is still MIA. The only difference from 4 years ago to now is that now I have two delicate daughters to care for and protect as well. My eternal marriage: out the window. My hope: dashed to pieces. My courage: lacking. My heart: broken.
Sure I could leave the guy and struggle to support my two little angels, but where would I go? I have no home. I don't want to take my children's daddy from them, but is it fair for me to suffer for their sake? And is it really in their best interest to remain in such a situation? I deserve to be loved.... but I doubt I ever will be. I know I'm difficult. From birth I've had to defend myself, and now, more than ever, I have my gloves up, ready to defend myself and my girls. I feel abandoned. Lost. Alone. Hopeless. If I'd known this was coming I don't think I would have brought these beautiful girls into the world. It just isn't fair. They deserve to have two parents who love each other.
Everyone likes to tell me, "Maybe some day he'll come around". Well, folks, I hate to break it to you, but that'll happen when hell freezes over. This man thinks he has it all figured out and he's intent on letting us know that.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's no easy way out of this one, short of cutting off my own arm, figuratively speaking. God help me and my girls. And God have mercy on Peter; he's going to need it.
3 comments:
Mindee, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I think about you a lot and hope that things get better. I see here that they haven't I wish I had some words that could make it all better but I know there really aren't any. Just know that you and your girls (and Peter, for that matter) are all in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if you ever need anything. Those girls are lucky to have such a strong mom. My parents just got divorced after 30 years of marriage because of some of my dad's silly decisions. I never knew growing up what my mom went through but she stuck it out for us. I'm grateful my mom loved us so much but I feel bad that she suffered silently for so long. Have you talked to the Bishop or therapists? Maybe not to save the marriage but your sanity. It's a tough and personal decision but you deserve good things. I'm sorry we don't live closer. I'd invite you over to vent and eat chocolate. (I don't really like it but I'd buy some for you.) You are always welcome to lean on me for anything you need. I hope things get better and remember your Heavenly Father loves you and is always there for you and your girls.
Peter was wrong. He should be mature enough to respect your feelings. Talking about his views on a car ride is an example of how wrong he is. Lecturing to a captive audience (you - in the car) shows that he was desperate to be validated. A bully.
Know that you are all often in my prayers.
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