I was reading 2nd Nephi chapter 4 the other day; it's one of my favorites! I always enjoyed reading Nephi's plea to God, but this time around I got a LOT more out of it.
Nephi prays for his 'enemies' (aka, his BROTHERS!) He prays that he won't be angry at them and for God to 'hedge up their way' rather than his. In the following chapter he prays for them to not be angry at him, but instead they became MORE angry! (Talk about an unanswered prayer!) But then the Lord prepares a way for him to take the righteous of his family and escape from the 'enemies'. (It's my belief that this happened as a sign to Nephi that it wasn't going to improve and to help him accept the need to move on w/out his siblings).
As I read this I couldn't help but thing of my own family. A few of you may know that I've had trouble with just about all of them at one point or another, the worst of it happening about a year and a half ago when a certain brother-in-law, (and the support of a few other family members), drove me to the brink of suicide. (No, I'm not crazy, it was just THAT bad of a situation). I was lucky enough that Peter was still willing, and worthy, to give me a blessing. He offered and I accepted and I am VERY grateful; it was a terrifying situation and time. (That happened to be the last priesthood blessing he ever gave). It was enough to pull me out of the hole I was in JUST ENOUGH to save me from death.
A lot of tears have been shed and prayers have been offered because of my family. I've been the recipient of a lot of verbal and emotional abuse 'within the home', and that is the hardest of all because those are the people you are supposed to be able to trust no matter what.
It's taken me a REALLY long time to understand fully that forgiving someone and letting them continue to abuse you are not the same thing. My mother doesn't seem to get it as she keeps telling me "We all just need to love and forgive each other", as if I'm the only one who isn't. Which is ironic, really, since I'm probably the ONLY one who actually has/does.
Not quite a year after that life changing incident Peter was offered a job in NYC and I said, "Let's GO!!!!!!" (And I haven't looked back!) I knew that if there would ever be a time where I'd feel like I could leave Indiana and my family there it would be while my mom was on her mission. (So I wouldn't feel like I had to stay and take care of her).
I'm really grateful that the Lord prepared a way for me to escape from my 'enemies', and from the hurt and abuse they were throwing at me. From here in NY it doesn't hurt my feelings that they don't invite me to family dinners or birthday parties and such things. I couldn't care less! It's wonderful! (Plust I've made some good friends here, something I didn't really have back in Indy).
I've put a lot of thought into if I'd ever go back... if Peter and I ever split or something. At first I thought, "Of course I'd run back to my mother!", but than as I thought about it more, I realized I'd be better off here trying to make it on my own than to be there trying to make it almost on my own with a lot of emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. I don't need that and my beautiful daughters will NEVER, EVER be allowed to be treated that way by my family. (Please note that I do have a couple siblings who are alright, and I am so VERY grateful for them).
Anyway, long story a little shorter, my eyes were opened a bit as I read these chapters and I realized that I have been blessed in getting to move away from a lot of the drama and pain. It also helped me to feel better about following what I feel I must do in my life, (despite my mothers belief that we can all live together w/out grief), and to really lean on the Lord in guiding me in this most difficult situation.
I'm really, truly grateful and blessed to have the gospel in my life. I'm grateful for the scriptures, and to have the Spirit to guide and teach me.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sacrifice
In relief society today we were talking about sacrifice. The woman teaching, along with a few others, mentioned how they often feel bad for, 'not wanting to go to church, do a calling, pick up people for church, etc.', and how doing the right thing is often so hard for them. They were beating themselves up for feeling a certain way.
A sister near me started talking about the sacrifice the Savior made for us and a thought came to me, which I actually shared! I said that the Savior was without sin and that even when he was in 'the garden' He asked God to remove the weight from him if there was any other way to atone for us. He himself didn't want to go through with it, but did anyway, for us.
Like the Savior, we are not sinning by not wanting to get up and go to church, serve in our callings, etc. It's only when we choose to act upon those feeling that we have need to repent. The feelings themselves are not the sin, so we needn't be so hard on ourselves.
Personally, I thought this was pretty insightful, the woman teaching, however, just stared at me blankly in silence. (I imagined a cricket in the room... "chirp, chirp...." After a few very long, uncomfortable moments, she moved on as if I'd said nothing. Strange.
"It makes sense, doesn't it?", I asked the girl beside me. She assured me it made perfect sense.
I just figure, that as women, we beat ourselves up A LOT. Well, isn't it nice to know here's one less reason to do so? I sure think so!
A sister near me started talking about the sacrifice the Savior made for us and a thought came to me, which I actually shared! I said that the Savior was without sin and that even when he was in 'the garden' He asked God to remove the weight from him if there was any other way to atone for us. He himself didn't want to go through with it, but did anyway, for us.
Like the Savior, we are not sinning by not wanting to get up and go to church, serve in our callings, etc. It's only when we choose to act upon those feeling that we have need to repent. The feelings themselves are not the sin, so we needn't be so hard on ourselves.
Personally, I thought this was pretty insightful, the woman teaching, however, just stared at me blankly in silence. (I imagined a cricket in the room... "chirp, chirp...." After a few very long, uncomfortable moments, she moved on as if I'd said nothing. Strange.
"It makes sense, doesn't it?", I asked the girl beside me. She assured me it made perfect sense.
I just figure, that as women, we beat ourselves up A LOT. Well, isn't it nice to know here's one less reason to do so? I sure think so!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
New Hobbies
Today was a MUCH better day. Probably because it started with scripture study. I've been terrible about reading my scriptures for quite a while, especially since Callie was born.
I got a call from my brother a few days ago and he filled in as my dad/patriarch and listened to my woes while giving me some good fatherly/brotherly advice. His suggestion to read my scriptures on LDS.org was a terrific idea! I'm on this computer a lot and it's so easy to read a bit and study any topic I like with the click of a button, sans turning pages and getting paper cuts! It really is wonderful, and since I begin most days by sitting down at this lovely machine, LDS.org is literally an answer to my prayers. (As is my brother and his loving advice).
So today was 60 degrees and sunny! Once I got the girls fed and dressed and worked on a couple projects around the house, I packed up Callie in the SleepyWrap, and Annibelle in the stroller and off we went on a walk around the neighborhood! We ended up at the clubhouse and spent the next 45 minutes or so swinging gently on a porch swing until I met a new neighbor and both the girls fell asleep on the swing! (Super cute!!) After that I packed them back up and headed home for lunch and naps. I didn't get one, but I didn't mind since I was working on a new project.
Speaking of new projects... I am FINALLY coming up with hobbies as a mother, ones that I hope will make me some money. The first one is making flower clips for hair or clothes. It's hard to find good, quality ones and I'm hoping to get a lot made and sold. My newest craft I hope to make a little dough off of is making tutus; simple and elaborate. If I can handle the sewing, I might even try making diaper covers aka, bloomers. I LOVE having something to do for ME, and something that I enjoy so much.
I'm pretty sure I'll be on my own one of these days and will need a way to keep myself afloat; hopefully these 'hobbies' will assist me in that. Until then, I'm just stocking up and enjoying having something to keep me busy and happy. (besides my girls). =)
I got a call from my brother a few days ago and he filled in as my dad/patriarch and listened to my woes while giving me some good fatherly/brotherly advice. His suggestion to read my scriptures on LDS.org was a terrific idea! I'm on this computer a lot and it's so easy to read a bit and study any topic I like with the click of a button, sans turning pages and getting paper cuts! It really is wonderful, and since I begin most days by sitting down at this lovely machine, LDS.org is literally an answer to my prayers. (As is my brother and his loving advice).
So today was 60 degrees and sunny! Once I got the girls fed and dressed and worked on a couple projects around the house, I packed up Callie in the SleepyWrap, and Annibelle in the stroller and off we went on a walk around the neighborhood! We ended up at the clubhouse and spent the next 45 minutes or so swinging gently on a porch swing until I met a new neighbor and both the girls fell asleep on the swing! (Super cute!!) After that I packed them back up and headed home for lunch and naps. I didn't get one, but I didn't mind since I was working on a new project.
Speaking of new projects... I am FINALLY coming up with hobbies as a mother, ones that I hope will make me some money. The first one is making flower clips for hair or clothes. It's hard to find good, quality ones and I'm hoping to get a lot made and sold. My newest craft I hope to make a little dough off of is making tutus; simple and elaborate. If I can handle the sewing, I might even try making diaper covers aka, bloomers. I LOVE having something to do for ME, and something that I enjoy so much.
I'm pretty sure I'll be on my own one of these days and will need a way to keep myself afloat; hopefully these 'hobbies' will assist me in that. Until then, I'm just stocking up and enjoying having something to keep me busy and happy. (besides my girls). =)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sometimes I feel like God is against me. Like the world is against me. Like my kids are against me. (I already know that my husband is).
I'm having a rough day. I didn't start out reading my scriptures as I'd meant to, and it just got harder from there.
I wake up most mornings SUPER tired, but push through it so that I can try to be super mom and actually get the house picked up, the dishes washed, the kitchen clean and the laundry done and put away. I don't know about you, but i don't think I've ever accomplished that since becoming a mother of two. Between changing diapers for two, feeding/preparing food for two, and all the countless chores that await me, I rarely get a chance to eat before 3pm. I suppose that might be how I dropped that most recent 5 pounds so quickly. It might also be part of why I get so tired and moody when it comes time for the little ones to take a nap... and then refuse to sleep!
I was trying to put my exhausted baby down for a nap late this morning. She just wouldn't sleep even though I'd changed her diaper, fed her and was lying beside her as she sucked her pacifier. I was STARVING; to the point of my blood sugar dropping. I needed food. I had some delicious left overs waiting to be warmed up so I left her there in the bed, surrounded by body pillows, and ran downstairs to heat up the food, intending to run back up with it a minute later. Unfortunately, as I was dishing up the grub, I heard a loud THUD! I shouted and ran upstairs, worried that I wasn't hearing any crying. Callie had fallen from the bed, luckily, with a pillow. She didn't seem to be hurt, just really frightened. She was screaming, and it took quite a while to get her to stop crying. Hours, actually. Unless I held her. Of course, being a mother of two, I had another child to care for as well, and still needed to feed myself. I also decided to try moving the unused crib into our room in hopes of either using it as a sidecar or as an actual crib beside the bed. This required moving the two side tables, the twin bed, and the freakishly heavy king bed, taking apart the crib, finding clean sheets to put on it, and putting everything back together. It took longer than I'd hoped, and all the while Callie was wailing, and Annibelle seemed to keep tripping on things and crying off an on herself. I wanted to scream too. In fact, I might have a few times. (It's one of those days where I feel like I have to repent constantly!) Luckily, I have very forgiving daughters, and each time I turn to Annie with tears in my eyes and tell her I'm sorry for not being a better mommy, she touches my hand or face and says, "It' okay, mommy. You'll be fine. It's okay".
I feel so blessed to be entrusted with these little ones. At the same time I feel terrified that it's up to me, and, sort of, me alone, to raise them right and well. I usually feel like a failure. Being that i'm the only one worried about Annibelle understanding what it means to be reverent, she still doesn't seem to quite get it. Yes, she's not even two and a half yet, but she doesn't even stay quiet for the shortest prayer... I can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
It's really tough facing all of this and feeling like I'm doing it alone. The truth is, every day I'm faced with the fear that someday soon I really WILL be facing it all alone. By myself. Each day I look around me at everything we've accumulated and all the little things that make the house ours, and I wonder, "How much longer will it last? At what point will I have to say goodbye to this comfort and space and stand alone with my girls?"
People on the outside like to say,"I still think he might come around". He won't. Trust me. It's not an IF it will crumble, but WHEN. How much longer can we stand to live with each other and our different beliefs? You see, the problem isn't that my husband is atheist, but rather that he's anti-Christ. No different from Corihor. (Can you imagine being married to Corihor???) When he isn't talking about religious and scientific things I think, "Maybe we can make this work!" But then he'll tell me how he can't go to primary with me and the girls anymore because it's 'brainwashing'. And he's constantly posting anti-mormon literature on his online accounts. His mission in life isn't to be a good husband or father, but, rather, to announce to all the world that God isn't real! The scriptures are just stories! That he has all the answers and we should follow him!
At what point do we have to get out and get away from all this? Only God can tell me. And even though I know He's got my back, I still have to admit that I'm scared half to death knowing that at some point it's just going to be me and my girls... And that is something that weighs me down each and every day. How will I afford to raise and care for these little angels? And how on earth could i possibly find someone else worthy to be their step-father?
It just isn't fair.
I'm having a rough day. I didn't start out reading my scriptures as I'd meant to, and it just got harder from there.
I wake up most mornings SUPER tired, but push through it so that I can try to be super mom and actually get the house picked up, the dishes washed, the kitchen clean and the laundry done and put away. I don't know about you, but i don't think I've ever accomplished that since becoming a mother of two. Between changing diapers for two, feeding/preparing food for two, and all the countless chores that await me, I rarely get a chance to eat before 3pm. I suppose that might be how I dropped that most recent 5 pounds so quickly. It might also be part of why I get so tired and moody when it comes time for the little ones to take a nap... and then refuse to sleep!
I was trying to put my exhausted baby down for a nap late this morning. She just wouldn't sleep even though I'd changed her diaper, fed her and was lying beside her as she sucked her pacifier. I was STARVING; to the point of my blood sugar dropping. I needed food. I had some delicious left overs waiting to be warmed up so I left her there in the bed, surrounded by body pillows, and ran downstairs to heat up the food, intending to run back up with it a minute later. Unfortunately, as I was dishing up the grub, I heard a loud THUD! I shouted and ran upstairs, worried that I wasn't hearing any crying. Callie had fallen from the bed, luckily, with a pillow. She didn't seem to be hurt, just really frightened. She was screaming, and it took quite a while to get her to stop crying. Hours, actually. Unless I held her. Of course, being a mother of two, I had another child to care for as well, and still needed to feed myself. I also decided to try moving the unused crib into our room in hopes of either using it as a sidecar or as an actual crib beside the bed. This required moving the two side tables, the twin bed, and the freakishly heavy king bed, taking apart the crib, finding clean sheets to put on it, and putting everything back together. It took longer than I'd hoped, and all the while Callie was wailing, and Annibelle seemed to keep tripping on things and crying off an on herself. I wanted to scream too. In fact, I might have a few times. (It's one of those days where I feel like I have to repent constantly!) Luckily, I have very forgiving daughters, and each time I turn to Annie with tears in my eyes and tell her I'm sorry for not being a better mommy, she touches my hand or face and says, "It' okay, mommy. You'll be fine. It's okay".
I feel so blessed to be entrusted with these little ones. At the same time I feel terrified that it's up to me, and, sort of, me alone, to raise them right and well. I usually feel like a failure. Being that i'm the only one worried about Annibelle understanding what it means to be reverent, she still doesn't seem to quite get it. Yes, she's not even two and a half yet, but she doesn't even stay quiet for the shortest prayer... I can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
It's really tough facing all of this and feeling like I'm doing it alone. The truth is, every day I'm faced with the fear that someday soon I really WILL be facing it all alone. By myself. Each day I look around me at everything we've accumulated and all the little things that make the house ours, and I wonder, "How much longer will it last? At what point will I have to say goodbye to this comfort and space and stand alone with my girls?"
People on the outside like to say,"I still think he might come around". He won't. Trust me. It's not an IF it will crumble, but WHEN. How much longer can we stand to live with each other and our different beliefs? You see, the problem isn't that my husband is atheist, but rather that he's anti-Christ. No different from Corihor. (Can you imagine being married to Corihor???) When he isn't talking about religious and scientific things I think, "Maybe we can make this work!" But then he'll tell me how he can't go to primary with me and the girls anymore because it's 'brainwashing'. And he's constantly posting anti-mormon literature on his online accounts. His mission in life isn't to be a good husband or father, but, rather, to announce to all the world that God isn't real! The scriptures are just stories! That he has all the answers and we should follow him!
At what point do we have to get out and get away from all this? Only God can tell me. And even though I know He's got my back, I still have to admit that I'm scared half to death knowing that at some point it's just going to be me and my girls... And that is something that weighs me down each and every day. How will I afford to raise and care for these little angels? And how on earth could i possibly find someone else worthy to be their step-father?
It just isn't fair.