I haven't been on here in some time. I'd apologize, but there are so few who follow this blog, that I doubt you care much; this is mostly for me.
I've meant to get on here many times in the past few months, but I confess that so often lately my thoughts and feelings have been negative ones, and I figured it's probably best that I keep those to myself. I've been just as awful at writing in my journal.

I can hardly believe this pregnancy is almost through. I have 7 1/2 weeks to go until my due date, and am hoping this little girl might arrive a few days before that, as I don't physically handle the 3rd trimester very well, thanks mostly to my scoliosis. It causes problems from head to toe. Despite the added pain and problems from that, I feel I have been truly blessed this pregnancy. I have felt better this time around than I did last, with the exception of the restless legs every night, and worse heartburn. (First trimester was pretty rough too, but I was able to medicate away most of the problems near the end of that). I'm not nearly as big as I was with Annibelle and people have just recently begun asking me when I'm due, as opposed to last time when they would assume I was ready to deliver any moment, and I was still just in my second trimester. I've been able to take good care of my little Annibelle still and for that I am very grateful.
As for cravings, well... i had about a month where I craved ice cream; our freezer is still full from that episode. LOL I eat cold cereal most every day, which I almost never do when I'm not pregnant. I've made Peter take me out for Italian a few times, but other than that things have been pretty normal. I have not, however, enjoyed meat. I don't want to eat it, see it, or smell it. Occasionally I've been able to eat fish. I have REALLY enjoyed my fruit! Our refrigerator is almost always full of it.

I've been trying for many months now to help Annibelle understand that "there's a baby in my tummy". I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm crazy, but occasionally she'll try to lift my shirt and will say, "Tummy. Baby." We'll tell her the baby's name, (which you all will have to wait to find out), and explain that this is her baby sister. I want her to be somewhat familiar with the idea of this little person so she won't be freaked out when she finally meets her. Naturally I'm a little nervous about how she'll respond to the new baby, and how I will handle having both, night and day. I still nurse Annibelle to sleep at night and we will all be in the same room together, so I'm hoping they won't wake each other up. (fingers crossed!)
We recently put up a twin bed for Annibelle right next to ours. She loves her new bed, pillow, sheets and blanket. During the night, at some point, she always manages to wiggle off of her bed and onto mine to snuggle back to sleep beside me. I suppose that as long as I'm always between the two wee ones, everything should be okay.

The thing that most weighs on my mind right now is fear of labor/delivery. After what I suffered last time, I am a bit freaked out, and can honestly say that I would rather die than go through that again. It was that horrific. That said, I have done my research on epidurals and have decided that they are less terrifying than what I went through last time. Yes, I still plan on laboring at home for as long as I can before heading to the hospital, but once I get there, it all depends on the pain.

I've hired a doula again to assist me in labor... partly because I plan to labor at home for a while and will at least start off drug free, (unless for some reason I have to be induced), and partly because there's a big chance that Peter will be with Annibelle, as I don't dare leave her alone with someone she's unfamiliar with, and I don't want to have this baby all alone with some random nurse and an on-call doctor. All of these things add to my anxiety. And, of course, the final 'what if'... will this baby be healthy??? After what we've been through with Annibelle, and still have yet to go through with her, I am pleading with God to give us a perfectly healthy baby girl. That said, I do see the blessings in having Annibelle with her condition; I feel I know how to be a better mother to all of my future children/babies because I was forced to do things differently with Annibelle. I'm grateful know the benefits of being a co-sleeping family. I'm grateful to know the importance of nursing on demand, and nursing for comfort. The emotional benefits of each of these are both short term and long term. I'm grateful to know better than to let my baby just 'cry it out', and how harmful that can be both physically and emotionally, short term and long term. I'm grateful that all this and more made me want to do as much research as I could, and that it's made me want to continue my research as often as I've had time to. I've discovered that so much of what our nation does/accepts as 'the proper way to raise a baby/child' is mostly based on tradition, not research. (i.e. formula, cribs, allowing baby to cry to sleep, thinking baby should sleep all night like an adult, introducing solids as early as 4 months old....). I'm so grateful for all I've learned thus far and for all I continue to learn. If not for this unique intro to parenthood, I'd probably be making most of the same choices I've seen my sisters make with their wee ones, which aren't terrible, but when you know there's a better way, and that way is already familiar to you, it makes it so much easier to follow.
My heartfelt love and thanks to all the dear moms who have swapped stories with me, lifted me when I've been down, laughed with me when I felt I could cry, and who have encouraged and supported me in doing the things I know are best for me and my family; I know sometimes it's been tough. I especially thank you for your love and compassion, thoughts and prayers through the many tough times we've been through, and for the ones we are currently going through. Thank you for remembering us. Thank you for thinking of me.

Baby Genius

I was just sitting here coloring with Annibelle. She wanted me to draw her a triangle, circle, star and heart, so I did. Then, she proceeded to say, "Circle", and drew a circle! And it didn't end there!!! Next she said, "Triangle", and drew a triangle! Can I just say my jaw was on the floor! I couldn't be more proud of my little girl. <3

Baa, baa, row a boat....

A few minutes ago Annibelle skinned her knee for the very first time. Luckily, she was wearing pants, so the wound isn't bad, but she stil got some antibiotic cream and a yellow bandaid to make her feel better. She insists on having that pant leg rolled up now. lol
Yesterday she started really singing two songs with me: Baa Baa Black Sheep, and Row, Row, Row Your Boat. It goes like this:

Annie: Row, row, row a boat
Me: Gently down the stream
Annie: may, may, may, may
Me: Life is but a dream

Annie: Ba, ba, ba, ba
Me: Have you any wool? yes sir, yes sir, 3 bags full (During this part, Annibelle nods her head).
Me: One for my master, one for the dane, one for the little boy who lives down the lane (Annibelle tries to count these on her fingers, just like mommy; it's quite funny and adorable, as she hasn't quite figured it out yet).
Annie: Ba, ba, ba, ba
Me: have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, 3 bags full.

then it's back to Row, row, row... =) She could do this all day. <3

Destination

They say that life isn't about the destination, but the journey; I disagree. With a firm destination in mind we know where we are going, what roads to take and how to get there. But what happens when one person in a marriage changes their destination? Can the marriage survive? And how? I like to hope that the answer is yes, it can survive.
My husbands sudden change of beliefs isn't a secret, and isn't new to any of you, so I don't feel bad in the slightest writing about this. Some of you may wonder how I'm doing from time to time... my answer? It depends on the day. Some days are harder than others... today is one of those days; a day when hope has fled and left me wondering what the future will hold.
A month or so ago everything seemed on track. Not perfect, but at least my husband, daughter and I were on the same 'train', headed in the same direction. I could see down the line and imagine a long happy life together, and eternity too. Today, I wonder if we have enough glue to hold us together for another week, month, year... through the birth of another child. I wonder when he'll reach the point where he doesn't believe in family any more... or kids... or marriage. After all the surprises he's thrown at me in the past few weeks and months, little would surprise me at this point. Break me? Perhaps. But surprise me? Not likely.
I realize now that after more than a year of not getting to go to church regularly, I have a lot of catching up to do, for I need to be strong spiritually if I'm to be the spiritual mother and father to our kids. And, after some strange dramas within my own birth family, I realize that if I lose faith in God, along side my husband, then I will truly be broken, because He is all I have left to rely on. I only hope my tiny flicker of faith will be enough to get me and my little family safely through this trial and heart ache, because it's about all I've got left.

Irish Soda Bread: So tasty!

4 cups all purpose flour
1 Tablespoon baking Soda
1 Tablespoon Sugar
2 1/3 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
2 cups buttermilk
1 Tablespoon vegetable oil

Combine the dry ingredients in a bowl, then add wet ingredients and mix until it forms a soft dough.
Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for one minute. Shape into a slightly flattened ball and place on a greased pie pan or cookie sheet.
Cut a large cross in the top with a sharp knife.
Bake at 375 for 40-45 minutes.

Serve with butter, jam or honey. It's delish! (Kind of like a really large biscuit).

They say to let this cool completely before cutting, but I didn't, and I'm glad! =)

Cat Water

Yesterday I see Annibelle walking around with a little plastic cup; she's pretending to drink water out of it. Cute. Well, a while later I see her doing the same thing, only this time she's next to the cat's water bowl and IS drinking water out of it! Yuck!
Then, today I see her playing with the wooden spoon. Cute. Then I see her dipping it in the cat water and licking it off! Yuck! As soon as I see her I say, "Annbelle!" And she stands up, shakes her finger at me and says, "NO-no!"
It doesn't get better than this. =) <3

Waffles! These are for Peter!

BUTTERMILK WAFFLES -Super Yummy!

2 eggs
2 cups buttermilk
2 cups flour (I use half white, half wheat)
2t. baking powder
1t. baking soda
1/2t. salt
1/3 cup butter (I always cut this way down to make them healthier)

Heat waffle iron. In bowl beat eggs. Add buttermilk, flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and melted butter and mix until just combined (there may be a few lumps left). Pour batter onto hot, greased waffle iron and cook until golden brown.