They say that life isn't about the destination, but the journey; I disagree. With a firm destination in mind we know where we are going, what roads to take and how to get there. But what happens when one person in a marriage changes their destination? Can the marriage survive? And how? I like to hope that the answer is yes, it can survive.
My husbands sudden change of beliefs isn't a secret, and isn't new to any of you, so I don't feel bad in the slightest writing about this. Some of you may wonder how I'm doing from time to time... my answer? It depends on the day. Some days are harder than others... today is one of those days; a day when hope has fled and left me wondering what the future will hold.
A month or so ago everything seemed on track. Not perfect, but at least my husband, daughter and I were on the same 'train', headed in the same direction. I could see down the line and imagine a long happy life together, and eternity too. Today, I wonder if we have enough glue to hold us together for another week, month, year... through the birth of another child. I wonder when he'll reach the point where he doesn't believe in family any more... or kids... or marriage. After all the surprises he's thrown at me in the past few weeks and months, little would surprise me at this point. Break me? Perhaps. But surprise me? Not likely.
I realize now that after more than a year of not getting to go to church regularly, I have a lot of catching up to do, for I need to be strong spiritually if I'm to be the spiritual mother and father to our kids. And, after some strange dramas within my own birth family, I realize that if I lose faith in God, along side my husband, then I will truly be broken, because He is all I have left to rely on. I only hope my tiny flicker of faith will be enough to get me and my little family safely through this trial and heart ache, because it's about all I've got left.
4 comments:
I don't know how much comfort it will be at this point, but you have me, too. I know it's my brother that is "doing" all this to you, but I like to think that I have a relationship with YOU too, and so I just want you to know that I love you, and that I am cheering for you on your good days, and hurting for you when I hear about bad days.
If you ever need someone to remind you how strong you are, give me a call. And if you ever need someone to tell you that it's ok to "break" a little every now and then, give me a call.
You can do it Mindee, because you are amazing.
Hang in there, ONE person can be an amazing influence.
I know I'm late to this post... really, really late, but just so you know... I LOVE YOU MINDEE! I don't show it, or say it enough, but it's true! : )
I love you, Mindee. No matter what happens, your daughters will always be Jill's cousins, and you'll stay linked to us. You're amazing, and you can do it!!
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