Since making this blog private almost 18 months ago, I don't have to worry about the wrong eyes seeing it. Plus, since I took such a long break from writing here, pretty much no one reads these anyhow, so I have a free journal here to write in.
Today's topic: My broken heart.
Christmas and New years were wonderful. Christmas was spent at 'home' in NY, and the following weekend we drove 3 hours to Boston, MA to ring in the new year with my mother, who is on a church mission there. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half, so it was really a treat for me! Plus, she got to meet her newest grand-baby, Callie! (Who is intent on growing up way to fast!) Over all the trip was wonderful, until it came to the drive home, that is. Not only did we leave much too late last evening so that our girls were way too tired and they both pretty much screamed the entire way, (which involved multiple stops to try to calm them down, missing a few exits, turning around a few times, and raising everyone's blood pressure), but my so-called-husband attacked me and my beliefs the entire way as well. The 3 hours turned into 5, and the conversations ranged from the horrible God of the old Testament, to, "What if we get divorced/separated", all the while being told I belong to a cult and that my church isn't true, and how I'm a bad mom, etc, etc........ it went on forever. It was depressing. I did my best to contain the tears so i could see clearly to drive.
The prince charming I searched so long for is still MIA. The only difference from 4 years ago to now is that now I have two delicate daughters to care for and protect as well. My eternal marriage: out the window. My hope: dashed to pieces. My courage: lacking. My heart: broken.
Sure I could leave the guy and struggle to support my two little angels, but where would I go? I have no home. I don't want to take my children's daddy from them, but is it fair for me to suffer for their sake? And is it really in their best interest to remain in such a situation? I deserve to be loved.... but I doubt I ever will be. I know I'm difficult. From birth I've had to defend myself, and now, more than ever, I have my gloves up, ready to defend myself and my girls. I feel abandoned. Lost. Alone. Hopeless. If I'd known this was coming I don't think I would have brought these beautiful girls into the world. It just isn't fair. They deserve to have two parents who love each other.
Everyone likes to tell me, "Maybe some day he'll come around". Well, folks, I hate to break it to you, but that'll happen when hell freezes over. This man thinks he has it all figured out and he's intent on letting us know that.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's no easy way out of this one, short of cutting off my own arm, figuratively speaking. God help me and my girls. And God have mercy on Peter; he's going to need it.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
New Blog
Yesterday was Christmas, and it was a wonderful one at that! Opening presents with Annibelle was such a treat! She took her time playing with each one, so unwrapping took a while, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
After we finished with our gifts, we went over to a friends house for dinner and games. The turkey and rolls were amazing! YUM!
Around 7pm we got a text from my brother saying they were almost to our house. (They were driving through to Boston to see my mom and celebrate their baby's first birthday with her). We hurried home and arrived there just after they did.
During our short, but sweet, visit I introduced my sister in law to some of my favorite baby items, and her mother, Gwen, suggested that I start a blog where I share my insight on the many wonderful products I have discovered. I thought this was a great idea, and so I've asked Peter to help me get this new blog up and running and looking hott!
I'll be sure to invite you all once it's ready. And PLEASE, at that point, pass it along! =)
Merry Christmas!
After we finished with our gifts, we went over to a friends house for dinner and games. The turkey and rolls were amazing! YUM!
Around 7pm we got a text from my brother saying they were almost to our house. (They were driving through to Boston to see my mom and celebrate their baby's first birthday with her). We hurried home and arrived there just after they did.
During our short, but sweet, visit I introduced my sister in law to some of my favorite baby items, and her mother, Gwen, suggested that I start a blog where I share my insight on the many wonderful products I have discovered. I thought this was a great idea, and so I've asked Peter to help me get this new blog up and running and looking hott!
I'll be sure to invite you all once it's ready. And PLEASE, at that point, pass it along! =)
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
The First Gift of Christmas
I decided that it's silly to give a 2 year old all of her Christmas gifts at once... of course, I decided that a little late, and only managed to 'wrap' up one the eve of Christmas eve for her to open. (I think in coming years I'll do a more Hanukkah-themed idea, and give a gift a day for a few days leading up to Christmas so that each toy will be truly appreciated).
I'd been busy baking all day, preparing for our big Christmas eve dinner with our friends here at our house. (Tomorrow will be full of more baking and a LOT of cleaning, and, hopefully, a shower). In the evening we ran to the store for a few last minute items, and our nap-less toddler had a huge meltdown at the store, which made it take even longer to get through with what we were doing and back out to the car. By the time we got home she was so over-tired that our attempt to get her into bed and asleep was useless, and before long she was back downstairs, claiming to be hungry, while only feeding her food to her stuffed monkey who sat in the chair beside her. (Remind me to wash that monkey).
As I finished up the dishes so my kitchen would be ready for baking first thing in the morning, I had Peter take Annibelle into the front room by the Christmas tree so I could pull her new Christmas jammies out of the dryer and put them in a gift bag for her to open.
I ran up the stairs with the pj's in a ball, hoping she wouldn't notice, found the nearest gift bag and stuffed them inside and piled tissue paper on top. Then, I ran down the stairs and placed it under the tree. "Annibelle, look! You're first Christmas preset!" She wasn't sure if it was ok to open it yet, so we assured her it was. Then, she noticed she'd seen this gift bag before and said, "Taybo heads!" (huh?) Oh, that's right; I'd given her her birthday potato heads in this bag. Geez she's bright!
Well, she was still too wired to be too excited about anything more than throwing the tissue paper all over the room and running around like a crazy child. And, I may have had to pin her down to get her clothes off of her and put her new monkey PJ's on, all the while trying to convince her that they're SO SPECIAL and CUTE! (Ooooh... Ahhhh!!) Normally she would have been truly thrilled; tonight she was just slap happy. And even though she was too hyper to care much about christmas pajamas, she was super happy to get to open a present, and that made my day! =)
Merry Christmas!
I'd been busy baking all day, preparing for our big Christmas eve dinner with our friends here at our house. (Tomorrow will be full of more baking and a LOT of cleaning, and, hopefully, a shower). In the evening we ran to the store for a few last minute items, and our nap-less toddler had a huge meltdown at the store, which made it take even longer to get through with what we were doing and back out to the car. By the time we got home she was so over-tired that our attempt to get her into bed and asleep was useless, and before long she was back downstairs, claiming to be hungry, while only feeding her food to her stuffed monkey who sat in the chair beside her. (Remind me to wash that monkey).
As I finished up the dishes so my kitchen would be ready for baking first thing in the morning, I had Peter take Annibelle into the front room by the Christmas tree so I could pull her new Christmas jammies out of the dryer and put them in a gift bag for her to open.
I ran up the stairs with the pj's in a ball, hoping she wouldn't notice, found the nearest gift bag and stuffed them inside and piled tissue paper on top. Then, I ran down the stairs and placed it under the tree. "Annibelle, look! You're first Christmas preset!" She wasn't sure if it was ok to open it yet, so we assured her it was. Then, she noticed she'd seen this gift bag before and said, "Taybo heads!" (huh?) Oh, that's right; I'd given her her birthday potato heads in this bag. Geez she's bright!
Well, she was still too wired to be too excited about anything more than throwing the tissue paper all over the room and running around like a crazy child. And, I may have had to pin her down to get her clothes off of her and put her new monkey PJ's on, all the while trying to convince her that they're SO SPECIAL and CUTE! (Ooooh... Ahhhh!!) Normally she would have been truly thrilled; tonight she was just slap happy. And even though she was too hyper to care much about christmas pajamas, she was super happy to get to open a present, and that made my day! =)
Merry Christmas!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Toddlers are Parrots
Toddlers are parrots; you REALLY have to watch what you say around them because they pick up on everything! Some of my favorites of Annibelle's are:
When I walked into the kitchen to find that she had thrown her oatmeal all over the floor I sighed and said, "Oh, Annibelle", to which she responded, "Don't worry, Mommy. It's OK. I'm sorry".
The other night while singing her to sleep, Annibelle was joining me in singing her favorite song, "Jesus Once Was a Little Child". I was singing it at a whisper so as not to wake the baby who was 5 feet away. Following my lead, Annibelle started singing along at a whisper, but as she did it sounded creepy and almost haunted, which made me laugh. As I tried to surpress my laughter Annibelle thought it was a sob and wrapped her arms around my neck and said, "Don't cry, Mommy. Don't cry! It's OK Mommy. Don't cry."
Just after getting her dressed I noticed that Annibelle had pulled off her socks and I could only find one. I asked her where her other sock was and to go find it to which she responded, "No problem!"
Peter works a LOT, and spends 4 hours a day commuting, so the majority of each week I live as a single mom and get burnt out pretty easily. The other day I heard Annibelle mimic me under her breath saying, "I'm going crazy!" LOL
And, as a loving big sister, when Callie cries, Annibelle can often be heard copying mommy by saying, "It's OK, Callie. I'm coming!" Following which she often runs to her side and shoves a pacifier into her baby sisters mouth.
They may exhaust me, her messes may overwhelm me, and her whining may get on my nerves, but when my girls smile, the sun shines brighter, and when my girls laugh, I can't help but laugh too, and when my girls snuggle up to or wrap their arms around me in a big hug, my heart melts. Being a mommy is super hard work, but it's worth it. <3
When I walked into the kitchen to find that she had thrown her oatmeal all over the floor I sighed and said, "Oh, Annibelle", to which she responded, "Don't worry, Mommy. It's OK. I'm sorry".
The other night while singing her to sleep, Annibelle was joining me in singing her favorite song, "Jesus Once Was a Little Child". I was singing it at a whisper so as not to wake the baby who was 5 feet away. Following my lead, Annibelle started singing along at a whisper, but as she did it sounded creepy and almost haunted, which made me laugh. As I tried to surpress my laughter Annibelle thought it was a sob and wrapped her arms around my neck and said, "Don't cry, Mommy. Don't cry! It's OK Mommy. Don't cry."
Just after getting her dressed I noticed that Annibelle had pulled off her socks and I could only find one. I asked her where her other sock was and to go find it to which she responded, "No problem!"
Peter works a LOT, and spends 4 hours a day commuting, so the majority of each week I live as a single mom and get burnt out pretty easily. The other day I heard Annibelle mimic me under her breath saying, "I'm going crazy!" LOL
And, as a loving big sister, when Callie cries, Annibelle can often be heard copying mommy by saying, "It's OK, Callie. I'm coming!" Following which she often runs to her side and shoves a pacifier into her baby sisters mouth.
They may exhaust me, her messes may overwhelm me, and her whining may get on my nerves, but when my girls smile, the sun shines brighter, and when my girls laugh, I can't help but laugh too, and when my girls snuggle up to or wrap their arms around me in a big hug, my heart melts. Being a mommy is super hard work, but it's worth it. <3
Friday, July 2, 2010
Out of work again
Well, we got really close to getting ourselves out of debt, unfortunately, Peter's been informed that he only has 10 billable hours left of work for Zondervan. That certainly won't be enough to cover the costs of having this baby, not to mention a million other things we owe on. Luckily Peter's boss gave him a couple weeks heads up and Peter has already started the job search all over again. In fact, he's already had an interview. (The first of 3 for Bloomberg). We REALLY hope he'll get this position, even though it would mean relocating, and him leaving for NY right after the baby's born. I just hope and pray that whatever job he's supposed to have next will fall into place VERY quickly. (I don't need any additional stress right now; I'm already neck deep in it).
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
BREECH
Just 6 1/2 weeks left to go and this baby is upside-down! And by that I mean head up. Breech. I wasn't worried until the doctor was worried. I've looked up all sort of info on line on how to help your baby flip; I've even emailed my doula about it. I don't dare try ANYTHING yet though, no matter how non-invasive, because there's a huge chance that she could be completely tangled up in the cord, which wouldn't surprise me one bit since I know how much she used to flip around, and how feisty she is. So I must wait until the 6th of July when I'm scheduled for another ultra sound and check up. I desperately want a normal labor/delivery and a perfectly healthy baby this time, but about a month or two ago I had this feeling that I needed to look into epidurals (which I'm terrified of), and learn about how they work, how they're done, and how they could affect me, since I have a pretty awful case of scoliosis. As I did my homework and became more comfortable with the idea, I hoped it would just mean that I would finally be allowed to have a mostly pain free labor/delivery, and get to have the sort of labor/delivery I'd hoped for last time, but as I draw closer to the end of this adventure I'm beginning to realize that I probably had that prompting to learn about epidurals NOT because I might choose to get one, but because I'm probably going to NEED to get one.
When I was pregnant with Annibelle, I KNEW she'd have a heart problem (I was born with one too), and I KNEW she'd be a red-head. I'm grateful I had the good news to go with the bad. I just had no idea how bad her heart condition would be. I've learned that it's SO important to listen to, and follow these promptings; doing so could save a life.
I dread the idea of having to have a c-section, especially with an epidural/while awake. Mentally, I'm not sure I can handle the idea of what they'll be doing WHILE they're doing it! AAAGGGHHHHHH!!!! Plus, I know quite a few people whose epidurals didn't take completely and they felt the scalpel cutting them!!!! (NIGHTMARE!!!) But I know that it's better than being knocked out completely, for me and the baby, and would make it so I could have Peter, or someone in there with me, and I could see, hold and nurse my baby right away, assuming she's healthy. I hate to think of what they'd try to do to her without me awake and thinking clearly for hours! (Bottles... formula...pacifier...shots....). Nope. She's going to need her mommy.
On the bright side, IF I do end up having to schedule a c-section, I won't have to be in labor away from Annibelle for um-teen hours. I'll be able to plan around the time/date. I DON'T want to spend 4 days instead of 1 or 2 two in that TINY broom closet of a room, but if this could mean saving mine and my baby's life, then I guess I'll just have to make the most of it.
I'm still praying for her to flip, though.
When I was pregnant with Annibelle, I KNEW she'd have a heart problem (I was born with one too), and I KNEW she'd be a red-head. I'm grateful I had the good news to go with the bad. I just had no idea how bad her heart condition would be. I've learned that it's SO important to listen to, and follow these promptings; doing so could save a life.
I dread the idea of having to have a c-section, especially with an epidural/while awake. Mentally, I'm not sure I can handle the idea of what they'll be doing WHILE they're doing it! AAAGGGHHHHHH!!!! Plus, I know quite a few people whose epidurals didn't take completely and they felt the scalpel cutting them!!!! (NIGHTMARE!!!) But I know that it's better than being knocked out completely, for me and the baby, and would make it so I could have Peter, or someone in there with me, and I could see, hold and nurse my baby right away, assuming she's healthy. I hate to think of what they'd try to do to her without me awake and thinking clearly for hours! (Bottles... formula...pacifier...shots....). Nope. She's going to need her mommy.
On the bright side, IF I do end up having to schedule a c-section, I won't have to be in labor away from Annibelle for um-teen hours. I'll be able to plan around the time/date. I DON'T want to spend 4 days instead of 1 or 2 two in that TINY broom closet of a room, but if this could mean saving mine and my baby's life, then I guess I'll just have to make the most of it.
I'm still praying for her to flip, though.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I haven't been on here in some time. I'd apologize, but there are so few who follow this blog, that I doubt you care much; this is mostly for me.
I've meant to get on here many times in the past few months, but I confess that so often lately my thoughts and feelings have been negative ones, and I figured it's probably best that I keep those to myself. I've been just as awful at writing in my journal.
I can hardly believe this pregnancy is almost through. I have 7 1/2 weeks to go until my due date, and am hoping this little girl might arrive a few days before that, as I don't physically handle the 3rd trimester very well, thanks mostly to my scoliosis. It causes problems from head to toe. Despite the added pain and problems from that, I feel I have been truly blessed this pregnancy. I have felt better this time around than I did last, with the exception of the restless legs every night, and worse heartburn. (First trimester was pretty rough too, but I was able to medicate away most of the problems near the end of that). I'm not nearly as big as I was with Annibelle and people have just recently begun asking me when I'm due, as opposed to last time when they would assume I was ready to deliver any moment, and I was still just in my second trimester. I've been able to take good care of my little Annibelle still and for that I am very grateful.
As for cravings, well... i had about a month where I craved ice cream; our freezer is still full from that episode. LOL I eat cold cereal most every day, which I almost never do when I'm not pregnant. I've made Peter take me out for Italian a few times, but other than that things have been pretty normal. I have not, however, enjoyed meat. I don't want to eat it, see it, or smell it. Occasionally I've been able to eat fish. I have REALLY enjoyed my fruit! Our refrigerator is almost always full of it.
I've been trying for many months now to help Annibelle understand that "there's a baby in my tummy". I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm crazy, but occasionally she'll try to lift my shirt and will say, "Tummy. Baby." We'll tell her the baby's name, (which you all will have to wait to find out), and explain that this is her baby sister. I want her to be somewhat familiar with the idea of this little person so she won't be freaked out when she finally meets her. Naturally I'm a little nervous about how she'll respond to the new baby, and how I will handle having both, night and day. I still nurse Annibelle to sleep at night and we will all be in the same room together, so I'm hoping they won't wake each other up. (fingers crossed!)
We recently put up a twin bed for Annibelle right next to ours. She loves her new bed, pillow, sheets and blanket. During the night, at some point, she always manages to wiggle off of her bed and onto mine to snuggle back to sleep beside me. I suppose that as long as I'm always between the two wee ones, everything should be okay.
The thing that most weighs on my mind right now is fear of labor/delivery. After what I suffered last time, I am a bit freaked out, and can honestly say that I would rather die than go through that again. It was that horrific. That said, I have done my research on epidurals and have decided that they are less terrifying than what I went through last time. Yes, I still plan on laboring at home for as long as I can before heading to the hospital, but once I get there, it all depends on the pain.
I've hired a doula again to assist me in labor... partly because I plan to labor at home for a while and will at least start off drug free, (unless for some reason I have to be induced), and partly because there's a big chance that Peter will be with Annibelle, as I don't dare leave her alone with someone she's unfamiliar with, and I don't want to have this baby all alone with some random nurse and an on-call doctor. All of these things add to my anxiety. And, of course, the final 'what if'... will this baby be healthy??? After what we've been through with Annibelle, and still have yet to go through with her, I am pleading with God to give us a perfectly healthy baby girl. That said, I do see the blessings in having Annibelle with her condition; I feel I know how to be a better mother to all of my future children/babies because I was forced to do things differently with Annibelle. I'm grateful know the benefits of being a co-sleeping family. I'm grateful to know the importance of nursing on demand, and nursing for comfort. The emotional benefits of each of these are both short term and long term. I'm grateful to know better than to let my baby just 'cry it out', and how harmful that can be both physically and emotionally, short term and long term. I'm grateful that all this and more made me want to do as much research as I could, and that it's made me want to continue my research as often as I've had time to. I've discovered that so much of what our nation does/accepts as 'the proper way to raise a baby/child' is mostly based on tradition, not research. (i.e. formula, cribs, allowing baby to cry to sleep, thinking baby should sleep all night like an adult, introducing solids as early as 4 months old....). I'm so grateful for all I've learned thus far and for all I continue to learn. If not for this unique intro to parenthood, I'd probably be making most of the same choices I've seen my sisters make with their wee ones, which aren't terrible, but when you know there's a better way, and that way is already familiar to you, it makes it so much easier to follow.
My heartfelt love and thanks to all the dear moms who have swapped stories with me, lifted me when I've been down, laughed with me when I felt I could cry, and who have encouraged and supported me in doing the things I know are best for me and my family; I know sometimes it's been tough. I especially thank you for your love and compassion, thoughts and prayers through the many tough times we've been through, and for the ones we are currently going through. Thank you for remembering us. Thank you for thinking of me.
I've meant to get on here many times in the past few months, but I confess that so often lately my thoughts and feelings have been negative ones, and I figured it's probably best that I keep those to myself. I've been just as awful at writing in my journal.
I can hardly believe this pregnancy is almost through. I have 7 1/2 weeks to go until my due date, and am hoping this little girl might arrive a few days before that, as I don't physically handle the 3rd trimester very well, thanks mostly to my scoliosis. It causes problems from head to toe. Despite the added pain and problems from that, I feel I have been truly blessed this pregnancy. I have felt better this time around than I did last, with the exception of the restless legs every night, and worse heartburn. (First trimester was pretty rough too, but I was able to medicate away most of the problems near the end of that). I'm not nearly as big as I was with Annibelle and people have just recently begun asking me when I'm due, as opposed to last time when they would assume I was ready to deliver any moment, and I was still just in my second trimester. I've been able to take good care of my little Annibelle still and for that I am very grateful.
As for cravings, well... i had about a month where I craved ice cream; our freezer is still full from that episode. LOL I eat cold cereal most every day, which I almost never do when I'm not pregnant. I've made Peter take me out for Italian a few times, but other than that things have been pretty normal. I have not, however, enjoyed meat. I don't want to eat it, see it, or smell it. Occasionally I've been able to eat fish. I have REALLY enjoyed my fruit! Our refrigerator is almost always full of it.
I've been trying for many months now to help Annibelle understand that "there's a baby in my tummy". I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm crazy, but occasionally she'll try to lift my shirt and will say, "Tummy. Baby." We'll tell her the baby's name, (which you all will have to wait to find out), and explain that this is her baby sister. I want her to be somewhat familiar with the idea of this little person so she won't be freaked out when she finally meets her. Naturally I'm a little nervous about how she'll respond to the new baby, and how I will handle having both, night and day. I still nurse Annibelle to sleep at night and we will all be in the same room together, so I'm hoping they won't wake each other up. (fingers crossed!)
We recently put up a twin bed for Annibelle right next to ours. She loves her new bed, pillow, sheets and blanket. During the night, at some point, she always manages to wiggle off of her bed and onto mine to snuggle back to sleep beside me. I suppose that as long as I'm always between the two wee ones, everything should be okay.
The thing that most weighs on my mind right now is fear of labor/delivery. After what I suffered last time, I am a bit freaked out, and can honestly say that I would rather die than go through that again. It was that horrific. That said, I have done my research on epidurals and have decided that they are less terrifying than what I went through last time. Yes, I still plan on laboring at home for as long as I can before heading to the hospital, but once I get there, it all depends on the pain.
I've hired a doula again to assist me in labor... partly because I plan to labor at home for a while and will at least start off drug free, (unless for some reason I have to be induced), and partly because there's a big chance that Peter will be with Annibelle, as I don't dare leave her alone with someone she's unfamiliar with, and I don't want to have this baby all alone with some random nurse and an on-call doctor. All of these things add to my anxiety. And, of course, the final 'what if'... will this baby be healthy??? After what we've been through with Annibelle, and still have yet to go through with her, I am pleading with God to give us a perfectly healthy baby girl. That said, I do see the blessings in having Annibelle with her condition; I feel I know how to be a better mother to all of my future children/babies because I was forced to do things differently with Annibelle. I'm grateful know the benefits of being a co-sleeping family. I'm grateful to know the importance of nursing on demand, and nursing for comfort. The emotional benefits of each of these are both short term and long term. I'm grateful to know better than to let my baby just 'cry it out', and how harmful that can be both physically and emotionally, short term and long term. I'm grateful that all this and more made me want to do as much research as I could, and that it's made me want to continue my research as often as I've had time to. I've discovered that so much of what our nation does/accepts as 'the proper way to raise a baby/child' is mostly based on tradition, not research. (i.e. formula, cribs, allowing baby to cry to sleep, thinking baby should sleep all night like an adult, introducing solids as early as 4 months old....). I'm so grateful for all I've learned thus far and for all I continue to learn. If not for this unique intro to parenthood, I'd probably be making most of the same choices I've seen my sisters make with their wee ones, which aren't terrible, but when you know there's a better way, and that way is already familiar to you, it makes it so much easier to follow.
My heartfelt love and thanks to all the dear moms who have swapped stories with me, lifted me when I've been down, laughed with me when I felt I could cry, and who have encouraged and supported me in doing the things I know are best for me and my family; I know sometimes it's been tough. I especially thank you for your love and compassion, thoughts and prayers through the many tough times we've been through, and for the ones we are currently going through. Thank you for remembering us. Thank you for thinking of me.