What to do?

Life is full of ups and downs, year to year, month to month, day to day, moment to moment. Mine seem to be more of the "moment to moment" type.
I'm not a big fan of change; it's hard for me. I still long for the 'good old days' when my siblings and I all lived at home together, staying up late and acting like fools while eating Totino's Pizzas. I long to have both parents alive; to have a father to turn to for help with my car, house, garden... I confess that as my mother prepares for her mission with excitement, I feel as though I'm just losing my last parent and becoming an orphan; what will I do? Who do I go to for advice? Who will stay up late with me, adoring my little baby girl and eating salty thing while discussing life and beyond?
So many changes stand at our door step; what/where will the next job be? Should we buy that house we have our eye on, (assuming my Roo finally gets paid)? Is it worth leaving a house we love, for a yard we long for? (Probably). Even more importantly, do I put my baby on that new drug or not? Will it help, or just cause new problems over time. (Not a big fan of medications). With the threat of another open-heart surgery hanging over our heads, I supposed medications aren't that bad in comparison... unless it doesn't help in the slightest. Hmph.
What to do??

Weed Killer...

A while back Peter and I bought some weed-killer; I wanted the kind you spray on each individual weed so I could be sure each one in the front yard would die. Unfortunately, as soon as it was put away, we had no idea where it was! We looked over and over in the garage, but to no avail. A couple weeks later we received a 'notice' in the mail from our Home Owners Assoc. saying that were were breaking some rule by having a dandelion in our yard. (As if I planted it there myself). Peter and I were suddenly quite happy we couldn't locate the weed-killer. =) Our way of spitting in the face of the HOA who doesn't even live here! (who the heck are they anyway?!)
Fast forward a week or so... My sister in law and I had a girls day out; it was great! And all about baby clothes! After using up our gift cards at Babies R Us we headed over to Chick Fil-A for some healthy nom. As we were ordering our food, each with a wiggly baby in our arms, I had a mommy moment and couldn't, for the life of me, remember the word "lemonade", instead all I could think was "vanilla" (Agh! Not in public!!) The guy at the register just stared at me like I was having a seizure. "Are you okay?", he asked. "Yeah; just having a mommy-moment; sorry.... Ummmm..... Uhhh......That." (I point to Rachel's cup of lemonade). Instead of understanding me, the guy thinks something's wrong with her drink! Ugh! Come on! My brain went on vacation!!!! What can I do? Finally, after laughing at myself and looking like a fool, I manage to get the right word out, and the guy behind the register begins filling my cup with lemonade,but not before giving me a strange look. While he does this, I proceed to laugh at myself and then tell Rachel how "The other day, I went to wash the bathroom mirror; I squirted on the cleaner, and before I wiped it off I sniffed...looked down at the container and realized I was holding the weed-killer I'd been looking for the last month! And it was all over my mirror!!" I felt so foolish, but had to laugh; hard. I laughed so hard I snorted. Rachel laughed too, but not hard enough to snort... all the while the guy behind the register is staring at me with concerned eyes. "Are you SURE you're OK?", he asks. I stop laughing. "Yeah. Pretty sure. As OK as any other mom", I reply. He carried our food over to the table for us, but kept that raised eyebrow look on his face that had "You escaped from the psych ward, didn't you?" written all over it.
...I still can't find the window cleaner.

Back in the Kitchen

Now that a month or so has passed since Baby-Roo's open-heart surgery, and she is a toothy 7-month old who can entertain herself for short periods of time, I am finding that if I'm quick and determined, I can manage to fit in time every now and then to make something yummy to eat! My latest discovery/creation is potato soup! I know, I know... this is hardly my usual cake/dessert creation, for which I am well known, yet, some days you just need something salty. Potato soup and homemade bread do the job quite nicely! I've made it 3 times now, and feel comfortable enough to make it w/out even glancing at a recipe. Naturally, I put my own twist on it each time!
Baking has always been a passion of mine, and I'm finally feeling brave enough to try some of the things I have always been afraid of! (Such as cooking with yeast, or meat and making a rue). I can't deny that I excitedly await the day when Baby-Roo is old enough to bake with me in the kitchen. I just hope she is filled with the passion for baking as I am. What fun we will have creating culinary masterpieces together and eating cookies!

2 year anniversary festivities

April 30th was our 2 year anniversary. I can admit that the week leading up to it was our hardest yet; I was dreading this day we were supposed to 'celebrate', because I didn't feel like celebrating.
The night before, Peter went to a lot of work to install a night-vision camera in the bedroom that connects to our t.v. downstairs so I can watch/hear our little one sleeping when she's up and I'm down. Very sweet. It still needs to be tweaked, but will be great when I works right. That softened my heart a bit.
On the 'big day' we went to a late lunch/early dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, El Torito. We were one of 2 couples there, and Baby-Roo had fallen asleep on the way over, so it was like we were on a date by ourselves. Unfortunately for us, the cooks had not deviened the shrimp like they were supposed to, and that kind of ruined it for me. We also ordered fried ice cream, but it was gross; I was really surprised. Luckily, the manager asked how our meal was and we told her about the shrimp, so she gave us our meal for free! I guess that made it worthwhile. We left a nice-sized tip for our server and headed over to the fashion mall so Peter could pick out a new lap top, as his old/new one recently bit the dust.
Shopping at the fashion mall was my favorite part of the date! We went into Gymboree and shopped through the sale racks; we bought all sorts of onesies for us and our new nieces, and even bought a few sun-hats for the babe. What a cutie she is!!
Next we tried to find some jeans for me; no luck. It is really hard to fit this butt with these short legs!
So, we headed back towards the Apple store, stopped in William Sonoma to look for a crepe pan; didn't want to pay $100 for it, so we moved on to the Body Shop! That was FUN! Peter let me try some little make up items on him... it was a blast! And I got to get some new eye shadow! The whole time I was in there I kept thinking of Amy, though, and how I want to buy eye cream from her, so I'd better not buy it here. lol
Peter found the newest and bestest Apple laptop he could, and Baby-Roo and I left him there to finish the job so I could feed the baby. Of course, Peter took MUCH longer than expected, so the babe and I were forced to shop for pretty shoes! Eventually Peter arrived and took a seat next to the sleeping babe while I was fitted for some cute Sunday/dress shoes. While trying on shoes a 'flaming' and envious salesman walked by, noticed Peter next to the stroller and surrounded by Apple treasures; he paused and said to Peter, "Congratulations! ....enjoy your new computer! I'm Green (with envy)". Are you kidding me? Congratulations on your computer?!?! Hello! Don't you mean, congratulations on your new baby? No offense, but gay people have some REALLY screwed up priorities. I wanted to trip the guy.
Anyway, that was pretty much our day. In all we ended up with a new laptop, printer, 3 pairs of shoes, 3 sun hats, a lot of cute baby clothes, some new makeup, a free meal, and a sleeping baby. It was a day to remember. =)
May the next two years be better and easier! ...Please.

House Hunting

A few of you may know that Peter and I are back at it again; house hunting. Yes, it's true, the one year mark of owning our first/current home is up in a few days, and it seem silly to be looking to move again so soon, right? Well, not really to us. For starters, we're not thrilled with our back yard. We went through a hassle to switch lots before the house was built because this one had a flatter yard... just a gentle slope. Well, the builders ruined that, and now we have the steepest driveway and back yard in the neighborhood. Forget putting in a swing set or garden. We have also discovered that not all neighbors are nice neighbors, and that if they smoke, we smell it. (Though, luckily, none nearby us do that. It's only when walking down certain streets do we have to make a quick U-turn). Anyway, to get to the point, we wanted/want a house we can call home and GROW as a family in. We don't want to move in 5-10 years. We want to put down roots. Now, Indiana is the last place I ever wanted to end up, but life is full of surprises. I have family here, and it's the only place I know as home. I think I'll stay, despite my qualms.

The first house we looked at was in Noblesville. Immediately we fell in love with the 20 acres of 1/2 wooded property! We loved the space and freedom! The privacy was perfect, with 3 neighbors nearby. The pole barn was HUGE and held limitless possibilities. The 2 old cabins near the front of the property were exciting to our youthful minds. Oh the possibilities! The problem? The house. Not at all what we were looking for. Small. Too small. No front room! And a deck where the living room ought to be. The family room looked as though it had been cut short a good 5-7 feet, and I knew at once that not one of our 3 couches would even fit in that room! Plus, there was no wall for a TV. Hmm... not liking it. The master bedroom was small with no room for a crib, and only had a single sink and a shower. No tub. Each bathroom only had one sink. Not impressed. We'll keep it in mind only because we LOVE The property.

The next house was in Brownsburg. Only 2 acres, but we had high hopes for this one. The front looked clean, new and nicely landscaped. It was built in 2004, so it should be pretty nice... or so we thought. We opened the door and were shocked to find that that doorknob was the only thing left attached to the house! The previous owners, who had moved out long ago, took EVERYTHING with them.. except their nasty messes! There wasn't a knob left on a door or cabinet! Even the toilet paper rolls and towel rods had been removed from the walls! The floors were disgusting! Covered in, what looked like, years of crud from children and teenagers. The sinks had dried toothpaste-spit in them, and some other frightening orange colored crud. The walls looked like they'd been torn down on accident and replaced with buckets of rough putty. In the dining room we found a HUGE hole in the ceiling, and as Peter and our realtor stood under and looked up they heard water drip! Inside the house!!!! We attempted to open the basement door, but were greeted with a strong smell of urine! At that point we grabbed the baby and ran to the car. NEXT!

Now this house really looked and sounded like everything we were looking for.. and here in Westfield too! Around 20 acres, partly wooded, 2 pole barns for our creative side! 3900 square feet of room to grow in, out in the country. We were pretty sure this sounded like "IT". We arrive with smiles, walk in the door and... our eyes start watering! Why??? SMOKERS! YUCK! Maybe if they replaced the carpet? Nope. We looked down and they already had!!!! We still looked around, and, unfortunately, I had to nurse the baby in there, as it was in the high 30's outside. We didn't stay long, but it only took 20 minutes there to leave with a sore throat and burning eyes. We checked out the pole barns on the way out. They were empty, but still smelled strongly of horses. I would have nursed the baby in there had I known how much better it smelled.

Today's house was really out there! (In the country, I mean). It's one I had looked at but dismissed because the front of the house looks a little flashier than I'd like. (I'm not a big fan of drawing attention to myself. I figure I'm safer that way). Well, Peter decided it was too cool of a house to pass up, AND, much cheaper than the "smoke house", as we call it. (What a joke that was!) This house looks like a plantation house; complete with 4 huge, white pillars holding up the house-long front porch. The house is set way back, which adds to it's drama. To the left of the house is a huge pole barn which has a 2 bed/2bath apartment inside, complete with private garage. (Nice!) There's a huge pond in front of the house... well, it's mostly empty and looks like it needs to be filled half-way in with dirt to serve the purpose of collecting rain water. We walk inside the front door and I can almost hear little angels singing, "Aaaaaaaaa". It's neat. Open. Simple. Made to look older than it is, but in a warm, welcoming way. The wood is medium in color, not white as is so popular right now. I usually prefer white. I LOVED This. It felt like home. The kitchen isn't huge like my current one, but it's open and very do-able! The master bedroom is on the main floor; not a huge fan of that, but I'm willing to compromise. In the basement is a quaint area for movie watching, another area for whatever (pool table, work-out equipment, you name it). Connected to that is an in-law quarters, complete with a full kitchen and living room! We would probably make that Peter's office so he could actually focus and have room to hire an employee or two. Oh, did I mention it's a walk-out basement? Nice. The upstairs holds the kids rooms, each with a closet the size of a room... which has a door to the unfinished attic. (A little dry wall and paint and it's a play room! ...there are 2 of those!) There's a tiny little loft which could serve as the family computer room (we don't want anyone looking at naughty things!), and stairs from there lead up to another attic for storage... or perhaps, someday, another room! It's the perfect house to grow with! There are also 5 restrooms in the house. Awesome.
Peter took me some horrible round-about way to get there. We must have driven through at least 18 "towns" no one ever knew existed. It about ruined the house for me. But, on the way back I chose the directions and after 10 miles on the main road we hopped onto 69; within 15 minutes from there I'd passed a mall, the pediatrician and the chiropractor and had almost reached Castleton mall. Yep. This place was reachable. (without going through 18 "towns", and without going 15 mph the whole way for 2 hours). 40 minutes later we were in our living room, and on a major high! We may have just found our (almost) dream house! (WOOHOO!!!) Now if a certain someone would hand over Peter's hard-earned dough...!

To be continued...

My Little Angel

I sit here at the computer, my beautiful babe asleep in my arms, but not peacefully; she's having a night terror. She's had them since she was born. This sweet babe died in the birth canal and the memory of it haunts her dreams at times, which breaks my heart. Nothing I do can remove that painful memory from her mind. As I look ahead to the events of next week, I wonder if there will be another painful memory added to her subconscious. It's difficult to think about what this tiny, young babe is about to endure; I'd take her place in a moment if I could.
Baby-Roo is tender-hearted, but full of sass! She inherited her mommy's strong will and attitude, and even my dimple! (My best feature, if you ask me!) She is a bright little girl who loves music and bright colors. She is addicted to the television; well sort of. She watches Baby Einstein and doesn't understand that not everything on that screen is for her eyes. It's funny to watch her wrench her head around to see the screen when I turn her away from it!
This wee one is a trooper! At just 3 1/2 months she got her first tooth. Now, just barely 5 months old, she has 3 little teeth, all on the bottom, biggest to smallest, left to right. I named them Lucy, Dewy and Trixie. (I know I'm wierd). She insists on placing my finger on top of the tallest/sharpest tooth and biting down. Hard. I keep checking the top gums for signs of teeth, but can't see any. She must just like the way I taste.
Baby-Roo is a chatter-box! She especially loves to talk my ear off when I change her diaper or try to nurse her to sleep at night. She smiles up at me with her bright, trusting eyes, and that heart-melting, dimpled smile! When I wake up exhausted and grumpy, this tactic works best to put a smile on my face. Recently she's begun sucking in her bottom lip and blowing spit bubbles. (So cute!) I can always tell when she's officially woken up when I hear her doing this.

This next week will be very hard on both of us, but I pray that it doesn't change this happy baby of mine from being the care-free, trusting babe that she is now. She is my little angel.

Bittersweet

Last Tuesday Peter and I drove our little Annibelle to Riley Hospital in Indianapolis for a check-up on her heart. I'm always nervous when going to these appointments, as I always receive bad news; the kind that breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. I put on a brave smile, though, and carried my precious babe into the first room for her 'echo'. They asked if I'd like to hold her during the test, and I said "yes!" (the uptown location we'd been to in the past never let me hold her during this miserable, long test).
I climbed up onto the bed and unsnapped Annibelle's shirt for the test. I tried to allow myself to be distracted by "The Bee Movie" they had playing on the T.V. screen, and was glad Annibelle seemed to like it, but I couldn't help but peek at the echo monitor and see all the blue blood mixing with the red... I hardly understood what else I was seeing, but I knew it wasn't good. It never is. After more than an hour and a half of testing we finally got to snap up the baby and move to the next room to wait for the cardiologist to give us the results.
10 minutes later Dr. Farrell walks in and, in her unnaturally BOOMING voice, begins telling us all the bad news; "her arteries are too small, the valve is narrowing, she can't pump the blood she needs, she should be on the medication, if she were a newborn we'd schedule an immediate surgery!...." The list went on. Finally, though, a light at the end of the tunnel. Because of her large size and weight (which is truly rare for a baby with heart disease), they are willing to schedule the open heart surgery (the full repair!!!) for next month, even though she'll only be 5 months old.
I'd thought of this moment MANY times in the past 4 1/2 months; always playing it out in my mind, and how I might react. I was surprised to find that I felt relief. Relief that at some future date I wouldn't have to be afraid of my baby dying every time she cries. Relief that she will live, and live a happy, active life! Relief that every moment with her might not be the last. I was actually happy about the news!
We didn't get back home for another hour and a half, and when we did I started to come down from my 'high'. Peter went into his office to work, and I went into the family room to take care of our baby. As I sat down with her in my arms, tears began streaming down my face. Tears a relief, and now, tears of fear. With the surgery scheduled for just one month away, could I keep her alive? Though I filled the perscription for Annibelle, (the one that would slow her heart rate down and possibly help save her in an emergency), I just don't feel right about giving it to her. I worry that if she has an emergency and dies, that I could never forgive myself if I could have prevented it. I worry that something might go wrong with the surgery... or with the healing. I'm afraid for her; for the pain and fear she may feel. How I wish I could protect her from it all. I know I won't leave her side while she's in the hospital. I pray for her constantly, and know that it will all work out. She's strong. Stonger than me, I think.

When you get the life changing news that you're pregnant, you never expect to be faced with challenges such as this. It could be better... It could be worse. I'm just grateful for each day, and each moment I have with this little angel of mine. A simple "gummy" smile from her lights up my day.