Today was a MUCH better day. Probably because it started with scripture study. I've been terrible about reading my scriptures for quite a while, especially since Callie was born.
I got a call from my brother a few days ago and he filled in as my dad/patriarch and listened to my woes while giving me some good fatherly/brotherly advice. His suggestion to read my scriptures on LDS.org was a terrific idea! I'm on this computer a lot and it's so easy to read a bit and study any topic I like with the click of a button, sans turning pages and getting paper cuts! It really is wonderful, and since I begin most days by sitting down at this lovely machine, LDS.org is literally an answer to my prayers. (As is my brother and his loving advice).
So today was 60 degrees and sunny! Once I got the girls fed and dressed and worked on a couple projects around the house, I packed up Callie in the SleepyWrap, and Annibelle in the stroller and off we went on a walk around the neighborhood! We ended up at the clubhouse and spent the next 45 minutes or so swinging gently on a porch swing until I met a new neighbor and both the girls fell asleep on the swing! (Super cute!!) After that I packed them back up and headed home for lunch and naps. I didn't get one, but I didn't mind since I was working on a new project.
Speaking of new projects... I am FINALLY coming up with hobbies as a mother, ones that I hope will make me some money. The first one is making flower clips for hair or clothes. It's hard to find good, quality ones and I'm hoping to get a lot made and sold. My newest craft I hope to make a little dough off of is making tutus; simple and elaborate. If I can handle the sewing, I might even try making diaper covers aka, bloomers. I LOVE having something to do for ME, and something that I enjoy so much.
I'm pretty sure I'll be on my own one of these days and will need a way to keep myself afloat; hopefully these 'hobbies' will assist me in that. Until then, I'm just stocking up and enjoying having something to keep me busy and happy. (besides my girls). =)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Sometimes I feel like God is against me. Like the world is against me. Like my kids are against me. (I already know that my husband is).
I'm having a rough day. I didn't start out reading my scriptures as I'd meant to, and it just got harder from there.
I wake up most mornings SUPER tired, but push through it so that I can try to be super mom and actually get the house picked up, the dishes washed, the kitchen clean and the laundry done and put away. I don't know about you, but i don't think I've ever accomplished that since becoming a mother of two. Between changing diapers for two, feeding/preparing food for two, and all the countless chores that await me, I rarely get a chance to eat before 3pm. I suppose that might be how I dropped that most recent 5 pounds so quickly. It might also be part of why I get so tired and moody when it comes time for the little ones to take a nap... and then refuse to sleep!
I was trying to put my exhausted baby down for a nap late this morning. She just wouldn't sleep even though I'd changed her diaper, fed her and was lying beside her as she sucked her pacifier. I was STARVING; to the point of my blood sugar dropping. I needed food. I had some delicious left overs waiting to be warmed up so I left her there in the bed, surrounded by body pillows, and ran downstairs to heat up the food, intending to run back up with it a minute later. Unfortunately, as I was dishing up the grub, I heard a loud THUD! I shouted and ran upstairs, worried that I wasn't hearing any crying. Callie had fallen from the bed, luckily, with a pillow. She didn't seem to be hurt, just really frightened. She was screaming, and it took quite a while to get her to stop crying. Hours, actually. Unless I held her. Of course, being a mother of two, I had another child to care for as well, and still needed to feed myself. I also decided to try moving the unused crib into our room in hopes of either using it as a sidecar or as an actual crib beside the bed. This required moving the two side tables, the twin bed, and the freakishly heavy king bed, taking apart the crib, finding clean sheets to put on it, and putting everything back together. It took longer than I'd hoped, and all the while Callie was wailing, and Annibelle seemed to keep tripping on things and crying off an on herself. I wanted to scream too. In fact, I might have a few times. (It's one of those days where I feel like I have to repent constantly!) Luckily, I have very forgiving daughters, and each time I turn to Annie with tears in my eyes and tell her I'm sorry for not being a better mommy, she touches my hand or face and says, "It' okay, mommy. You'll be fine. It's okay".
I feel so blessed to be entrusted with these little ones. At the same time I feel terrified that it's up to me, and, sort of, me alone, to raise them right and well. I usually feel like a failure. Being that i'm the only one worried about Annibelle understanding what it means to be reverent, she still doesn't seem to quite get it. Yes, she's not even two and a half yet, but she doesn't even stay quiet for the shortest prayer... I can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
It's really tough facing all of this and feeling like I'm doing it alone. The truth is, every day I'm faced with the fear that someday soon I really WILL be facing it all alone. By myself. Each day I look around me at everything we've accumulated and all the little things that make the house ours, and I wonder, "How much longer will it last? At what point will I have to say goodbye to this comfort and space and stand alone with my girls?"
People on the outside like to say,"I still think he might come around". He won't. Trust me. It's not an IF it will crumble, but WHEN. How much longer can we stand to live with each other and our different beliefs? You see, the problem isn't that my husband is atheist, but rather that he's anti-Christ. No different from Corihor. (Can you imagine being married to Corihor???) When he isn't talking about religious and scientific things I think, "Maybe we can make this work!" But then he'll tell me how he can't go to primary with me and the girls anymore because it's 'brainwashing'. And he's constantly posting anti-mormon literature on his online accounts. His mission in life isn't to be a good husband or father, but, rather, to announce to all the world that God isn't real! The scriptures are just stories! That he has all the answers and we should follow him!
At what point do we have to get out and get away from all this? Only God can tell me. And even though I know He's got my back, I still have to admit that I'm scared half to death knowing that at some point it's just going to be me and my girls... And that is something that weighs me down each and every day. How will I afford to raise and care for these little angels? And how on earth could i possibly find someone else worthy to be their step-father?
It just isn't fair.
I'm having a rough day. I didn't start out reading my scriptures as I'd meant to, and it just got harder from there.
I wake up most mornings SUPER tired, but push through it so that I can try to be super mom and actually get the house picked up, the dishes washed, the kitchen clean and the laundry done and put away. I don't know about you, but i don't think I've ever accomplished that since becoming a mother of two. Between changing diapers for two, feeding/preparing food for two, and all the countless chores that await me, I rarely get a chance to eat before 3pm. I suppose that might be how I dropped that most recent 5 pounds so quickly. It might also be part of why I get so tired and moody when it comes time for the little ones to take a nap... and then refuse to sleep!
I was trying to put my exhausted baby down for a nap late this morning. She just wouldn't sleep even though I'd changed her diaper, fed her and was lying beside her as she sucked her pacifier. I was STARVING; to the point of my blood sugar dropping. I needed food. I had some delicious left overs waiting to be warmed up so I left her there in the bed, surrounded by body pillows, and ran downstairs to heat up the food, intending to run back up with it a minute later. Unfortunately, as I was dishing up the grub, I heard a loud THUD! I shouted and ran upstairs, worried that I wasn't hearing any crying. Callie had fallen from the bed, luckily, with a pillow. She didn't seem to be hurt, just really frightened. She was screaming, and it took quite a while to get her to stop crying. Hours, actually. Unless I held her. Of course, being a mother of two, I had another child to care for as well, and still needed to feed myself. I also decided to try moving the unused crib into our room in hopes of either using it as a sidecar or as an actual crib beside the bed. This required moving the two side tables, the twin bed, and the freakishly heavy king bed, taking apart the crib, finding clean sheets to put on it, and putting everything back together. It took longer than I'd hoped, and all the while Callie was wailing, and Annibelle seemed to keep tripping on things and crying off an on herself. I wanted to scream too. In fact, I might have a few times. (It's one of those days where I feel like I have to repent constantly!) Luckily, I have very forgiving daughters, and each time I turn to Annie with tears in my eyes and tell her I'm sorry for not being a better mommy, she touches my hand or face and says, "It' okay, mommy. You'll be fine. It's okay".
I feel so blessed to be entrusted with these little ones. At the same time I feel terrified that it's up to me, and, sort of, me alone, to raise them right and well. I usually feel like a failure. Being that i'm the only one worried about Annibelle understanding what it means to be reverent, she still doesn't seem to quite get it. Yes, she's not even two and a half yet, but she doesn't even stay quiet for the shortest prayer... I can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
It's really tough facing all of this and feeling like I'm doing it alone. The truth is, every day I'm faced with the fear that someday soon I really WILL be facing it all alone. By myself. Each day I look around me at everything we've accumulated and all the little things that make the house ours, and I wonder, "How much longer will it last? At what point will I have to say goodbye to this comfort and space and stand alone with my girls?"
People on the outside like to say,"I still think he might come around". He won't. Trust me. It's not an IF it will crumble, but WHEN. How much longer can we stand to live with each other and our different beliefs? You see, the problem isn't that my husband is atheist, but rather that he's anti-Christ. No different from Corihor. (Can you imagine being married to Corihor???) When he isn't talking about religious and scientific things I think, "Maybe we can make this work!" But then he'll tell me how he can't go to primary with me and the girls anymore because it's 'brainwashing'. And he's constantly posting anti-mormon literature on his online accounts. His mission in life isn't to be a good husband or father, but, rather, to announce to all the world that God isn't real! The scriptures are just stories! That he has all the answers and we should follow him!
At what point do we have to get out and get away from all this? Only God can tell me. And even though I know He's got my back, I still have to admit that I'm scared half to death knowing that at some point it's just going to be me and my girls... And that is something that weighs me down each and every day. How will I afford to raise and care for these little angels? And how on earth could i possibly find someone else worthy to be their step-father?
It just isn't fair.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Rock and a Hard Place
Since making this blog private almost 18 months ago, I don't have to worry about the wrong eyes seeing it. Plus, since I took such a long break from writing here, pretty much no one reads these anyhow, so I have a free journal here to write in.
Today's topic: My broken heart.
Christmas and New years were wonderful. Christmas was spent at 'home' in NY, and the following weekend we drove 3 hours to Boston, MA to ring in the new year with my mother, who is on a church mission there. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half, so it was really a treat for me! Plus, she got to meet her newest grand-baby, Callie! (Who is intent on growing up way to fast!) Over all the trip was wonderful, until it came to the drive home, that is. Not only did we leave much too late last evening so that our girls were way too tired and they both pretty much screamed the entire way, (which involved multiple stops to try to calm them down, missing a few exits, turning around a few times, and raising everyone's blood pressure), but my so-called-husband attacked me and my beliefs the entire way as well. The 3 hours turned into 5, and the conversations ranged from the horrible God of the old Testament, to, "What if we get divorced/separated", all the while being told I belong to a cult and that my church isn't true, and how I'm a bad mom, etc, etc........ it went on forever. It was depressing. I did my best to contain the tears so i could see clearly to drive.
The prince charming I searched so long for is still MIA. The only difference from 4 years ago to now is that now I have two delicate daughters to care for and protect as well. My eternal marriage: out the window. My hope: dashed to pieces. My courage: lacking. My heart: broken.
Sure I could leave the guy and struggle to support my two little angels, but where would I go? I have no home. I don't want to take my children's daddy from them, but is it fair for me to suffer for their sake? And is it really in their best interest to remain in such a situation? I deserve to be loved.... but I doubt I ever will be. I know I'm difficult. From birth I've had to defend myself, and now, more than ever, I have my gloves up, ready to defend myself and my girls. I feel abandoned. Lost. Alone. Hopeless. If I'd known this was coming I don't think I would have brought these beautiful girls into the world. It just isn't fair. They deserve to have two parents who love each other.
Everyone likes to tell me, "Maybe some day he'll come around". Well, folks, I hate to break it to you, but that'll happen when hell freezes over. This man thinks he has it all figured out and he's intent on letting us know that.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's no easy way out of this one, short of cutting off my own arm, figuratively speaking. God help me and my girls. And God have mercy on Peter; he's going to need it.
Today's topic: My broken heart.
Christmas and New years were wonderful. Christmas was spent at 'home' in NY, and the following weekend we drove 3 hours to Boston, MA to ring in the new year with my mother, who is on a church mission there. I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half, so it was really a treat for me! Plus, she got to meet her newest grand-baby, Callie! (Who is intent on growing up way to fast!) Over all the trip was wonderful, until it came to the drive home, that is. Not only did we leave much too late last evening so that our girls were way too tired and they both pretty much screamed the entire way, (which involved multiple stops to try to calm them down, missing a few exits, turning around a few times, and raising everyone's blood pressure), but my so-called-husband attacked me and my beliefs the entire way as well. The 3 hours turned into 5, and the conversations ranged from the horrible God of the old Testament, to, "What if we get divorced/separated", all the while being told I belong to a cult and that my church isn't true, and how I'm a bad mom, etc, etc........ it went on forever. It was depressing. I did my best to contain the tears so i could see clearly to drive.
The prince charming I searched so long for is still MIA. The only difference from 4 years ago to now is that now I have two delicate daughters to care for and protect as well. My eternal marriage: out the window. My hope: dashed to pieces. My courage: lacking. My heart: broken.
Sure I could leave the guy and struggle to support my two little angels, but where would I go? I have no home. I don't want to take my children's daddy from them, but is it fair for me to suffer for their sake? And is it really in their best interest to remain in such a situation? I deserve to be loved.... but I doubt I ever will be. I know I'm difficult. From birth I've had to defend myself, and now, more than ever, I have my gloves up, ready to defend myself and my girls. I feel abandoned. Lost. Alone. Hopeless. If I'd known this was coming I don't think I would have brought these beautiful girls into the world. It just isn't fair. They deserve to have two parents who love each other.
Everyone likes to tell me, "Maybe some day he'll come around". Well, folks, I hate to break it to you, but that'll happen when hell freezes over. This man thinks he has it all figured out and he's intent on letting us know that.
I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's no easy way out of this one, short of cutting off my own arm, figuratively speaking. God help me and my girls. And God have mercy on Peter; he's going to need it.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
New Blog
Yesterday was Christmas, and it was a wonderful one at that! Opening presents with Annibelle was such a treat! She took her time playing with each one, so unwrapping took a while, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
After we finished with our gifts, we went over to a friends house for dinner and games. The turkey and rolls were amazing! YUM!
Around 7pm we got a text from my brother saying they were almost to our house. (They were driving through to Boston to see my mom and celebrate their baby's first birthday with her). We hurried home and arrived there just after they did.
During our short, but sweet, visit I introduced my sister in law to some of my favorite baby items, and her mother, Gwen, suggested that I start a blog where I share my insight on the many wonderful products I have discovered. I thought this was a great idea, and so I've asked Peter to help me get this new blog up and running and looking hott!
I'll be sure to invite you all once it's ready. And PLEASE, at that point, pass it along! =)
Merry Christmas!
After we finished with our gifts, we went over to a friends house for dinner and games. The turkey and rolls were amazing! YUM!
Around 7pm we got a text from my brother saying they were almost to our house. (They were driving through to Boston to see my mom and celebrate their baby's first birthday with her). We hurried home and arrived there just after they did.
During our short, but sweet, visit I introduced my sister in law to some of my favorite baby items, and her mother, Gwen, suggested that I start a blog where I share my insight on the many wonderful products I have discovered. I thought this was a great idea, and so I've asked Peter to help me get this new blog up and running and looking hott!
I'll be sure to invite you all once it's ready. And PLEASE, at that point, pass it along! =)
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
The First Gift of Christmas
I decided that it's silly to give a 2 year old all of her Christmas gifts at once... of course, I decided that a little late, and only managed to 'wrap' up one the eve of Christmas eve for her to open. (I think in coming years I'll do a more Hanukkah-themed idea, and give a gift a day for a few days leading up to Christmas so that each toy will be truly appreciated).
I'd been busy baking all day, preparing for our big Christmas eve dinner with our friends here at our house. (Tomorrow will be full of more baking and a LOT of cleaning, and, hopefully, a shower). In the evening we ran to the store for a few last minute items, and our nap-less toddler had a huge meltdown at the store, which made it take even longer to get through with what we were doing and back out to the car. By the time we got home she was so over-tired that our attempt to get her into bed and asleep was useless, and before long she was back downstairs, claiming to be hungry, while only feeding her food to her stuffed monkey who sat in the chair beside her. (Remind me to wash that monkey).
As I finished up the dishes so my kitchen would be ready for baking first thing in the morning, I had Peter take Annibelle into the front room by the Christmas tree so I could pull her new Christmas jammies out of the dryer and put them in a gift bag for her to open.
I ran up the stairs with the pj's in a ball, hoping she wouldn't notice, found the nearest gift bag and stuffed them inside and piled tissue paper on top. Then, I ran down the stairs and placed it under the tree. "Annibelle, look! You're first Christmas preset!" She wasn't sure if it was ok to open it yet, so we assured her it was. Then, she noticed she'd seen this gift bag before and said, "Taybo heads!" (huh?) Oh, that's right; I'd given her her birthday potato heads in this bag. Geez she's bright!
Well, she was still too wired to be too excited about anything more than throwing the tissue paper all over the room and running around like a crazy child. And, I may have had to pin her down to get her clothes off of her and put her new monkey PJ's on, all the while trying to convince her that they're SO SPECIAL and CUTE! (Ooooh... Ahhhh!!) Normally she would have been truly thrilled; tonight she was just slap happy. And even though she was too hyper to care much about christmas pajamas, she was super happy to get to open a present, and that made my day! =)
Merry Christmas!
I'd been busy baking all day, preparing for our big Christmas eve dinner with our friends here at our house. (Tomorrow will be full of more baking and a LOT of cleaning, and, hopefully, a shower). In the evening we ran to the store for a few last minute items, and our nap-less toddler had a huge meltdown at the store, which made it take even longer to get through with what we were doing and back out to the car. By the time we got home she was so over-tired that our attempt to get her into bed and asleep was useless, and before long she was back downstairs, claiming to be hungry, while only feeding her food to her stuffed monkey who sat in the chair beside her. (Remind me to wash that monkey).
As I finished up the dishes so my kitchen would be ready for baking first thing in the morning, I had Peter take Annibelle into the front room by the Christmas tree so I could pull her new Christmas jammies out of the dryer and put them in a gift bag for her to open.
I ran up the stairs with the pj's in a ball, hoping she wouldn't notice, found the nearest gift bag and stuffed them inside and piled tissue paper on top. Then, I ran down the stairs and placed it under the tree. "Annibelle, look! You're first Christmas preset!" She wasn't sure if it was ok to open it yet, so we assured her it was. Then, she noticed she'd seen this gift bag before and said, "Taybo heads!" (huh?) Oh, that's right; I'd given her her birthday potato heads in this bag. Geez she's bright!
Well, she was still too wired to be too excited about anything more than throwing the tissue paper all over the room and running around like a crazy child. And, I may have had to pin her down to get her clothes off of her and put her new monkey PJ's on, all the while trying to convince her that they're SO SPECIAL and CUTE! (Ooooh... Ahhhh!!) Normally she would have been truly thrilled; tonight she was just slap happy. And even though she was too hyper to care much about christmas pajamas, she was super happy to get to open a present, and that made my day! =)
Merry Christmas!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Toddlers are Parrots
Toddlers are parrots; you REALLY have to watch what you say around them because they pick up on everything! Some of my favorites of Annibelle's are:
When I walked into the kitchen to find that she had thrown her oatmeal all over the floor I sighed and said, "Oh, Annibelle", to which she responded, "Don't worry, Mommy. It's OK. I'm sorry".
The other night while singing her to sleep, Annibelle was joining me in singing her favorite song, "Jesus Once Was a Little Child". I was singing it at a whisper so as not to wake the baby who was 5 feet away. Following my lead, Annibelle started singing along at a whisper, but as she did it sounded creepy and almost haunted, which made me laugh. As I tried to surpress my laughter Annibelle thought it was a sob and wrapped her arms around my neck and said, "Don't cry, Mommy. Don't cry! It's OK Mommy. Don't cry."
Just after getting her dressed I noticed that Annibelle had pulled off her socks and I could only find one. I asked her where her other sock was and to go find it to which she responded, "No problem!"
Peter works a LOT, and spends 4 hours a day commuting, so the majority of each week I live as a single mom and get burnt out pretty easily. The other day I heard Annibelle mimic me under her breath saying, "I'm going crazy!" LOL
And, as a loving big sister, when Callie cries, Annibelle can often be heard copying mommy by saying, "It's OK, Callie. I'm coming!" Following which she often runs to her side and shoves a pacifier into her baby sisters mouth.
They may exhaust me, her messes may overwhelm me, and her whining may get on my nerves, but when my girls smile, the sun shines brighter, and when my girls laugh, I can't help but laugh too, and when my girls snuggle up to or wrap their arms around me in a big hug, my heart melts. Being a mommy is super hard work, but it's worth it. <3
When I walked into the kitchen to find that she had thrown her oatmeal all over the floor I sighed and said, "Oh, Annibelle", to which she responded, "Don't worry, Mommy. It's OK. I'm sorry".
The other night while singing her to sleep, Annibelle was joining me in singing her favorite song, "Jesus Once Was a Little Child". I was singing it at a whisper so as not to wake the baby who was 5 feet away. Following my lead, Annibelle started singing along at a whisper, but as she did it sounded creepy and almost haunted, which made me laugh. As I tried to surpress my laughter Annibelle thought it was a sob and wrapped her arms around my neck and said, "Don't cry, Mommy. Don't cry! It's OK Mommy. Don't cry."
Just after getting her dressed I noticed that Annibelle had pulled off her socks and I could only find one. I asked her where her other sock was and to go find it to which she responded, "No problem!"
Peter works a LOT, and spends 4 hours a day commuting, so the majority of each week I live as a single mom and get burnt out pretty easily. The other day I heard Annibelle mimic me under her breath saying, "I'm going crazy!" LOL
And, as a loving big sister, when Callie cries, Annibelle can often be heard copying mommy by saying, "It's OK, Callie. I'm coming!" Following which she often runs to her side and shoves a pacifier into her baby sisters mouth.
They may exhaust me, her messes may overwhelm me, and her whining may get on my nerves, but when my girls smile, the sun shines brighter, and when my girls laugh, I can't help but laugh too, and when my girls snuggle up to or wrap their arms around me in a big hug, my heart melts. Being a mommy is super hard work, but it's worth it. <3
Friday, July 2, 2010
Out of work again
Well, we got really close to getting ourselves out of debt, unfortunately, Peter's been informed that he only has 10 billable hours left of work for Zondervan. That certainly won't be enough to cover the costs of having this baby, not to mention a million other things we owe on. Luckily Peter's boss gave him a couple weeks heads up and Peter has already started the job search all over again. In fact, he's already had an interview. (The first of 3 for Bloomberg). We REALLY hope he'll get this position, even though it would mean relocating, and him leaving for NY right after the baby's born. I just hope and pray that whatever job he's supposed to have next will fall into place VERY quickly. (I don't need any additional stress right now; I'm already neck deep in it).